Matching Game of Thrones Characters with Flavors of Jelly Beans
So, a little while ago, I started writing a blog post about matching Game of Thrones characters with Disney characters. I got about half way through, but then I stopped because it felt a little forced to me (although I might still publish it because I'll compare Game of Thrones to anything). It just didn't seem like the Disney characters really exemplified the Game of Thrones characters; it seems a bit cliched. I mean, I just feel like a lot of people write articles about which Harry Potter houses Game of Thrones characters would be in and what Arya would look like if she was Lilo from Lilo and Stitch (cute, that's what she would look like). Well, that's all well and good, but I just wasn't feeling it. I thought to myself, Disney characters don't really represent the personalities of Game of Thrones characters. You know what represents the personalities of Game of Thrones characters? Jelly beans.
Let me explain.
I like jelly beans. I think jelly beans are great. I like to eat jelly beans while I watch Game of Thrones. Sometimes, I go to the Wegman's candy corner, buy a bunch of jelly beans, and then assign different flavors to different characters in the show. Then, when the character comes on, I eat one of their jelly beans. It's a bit like a drinking game, but it's better because you get to eat jelly beans.
Plus, I feel very deeply that jelly beans are an extremely expressive food. This is especially true of Jelly Belly jelly beans because THEY HAVE SO MANY FLAVORS! Thus, I feel that jelly beans are the artistic medium of expression that best exemplifies the complex and layered characters portrayed in Game of Thrones. There are 50 official Jelly Belly jelly bean flavors, but I'm also going to include the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans flavors because they're made by Jelly Belly, and I have the artistic freedom to talk about any jelly bean I want!
Jon Snow = 7UP: I feel like Jon Snow and 7UP jelly beans have a lot in common. They're both a bit sour (but, I mean, that's fair enough considering that Olly shived him -- #4TheWatch). Plus, 7UP jelly beans have a carbonated flavor, which reminds me of Jon Snow's eternal angsty-ness. Again, you would probably be angsty too if your entire family (including you) was murdered and no one will listen to you when you tell them that the army of the dead is coming.
Daenerys Targaryen = Coconut: Dany is like a coconut because you either love her or hate her. You either think she's a crazy woman who's going to end up destroying the world or you worship the mother of dragons, which is how a lot of people feel about coconut. (Personally, I love coconut and Dany is one of my favorite characters). Plus, coconut beans are white, just like Dany's hair.
Cersei Lannister = Black Pepper: Cersei is bitter, just like black pepper jelly beans (and yes, they really exist and they're terrible. Cersei is a tolerable character when used sparingly in a few scenes, but too many Cersei scenes leave a bad taste in your mouth. As we all know, if you give Cersei too many scenes, you end up with an army of relgious fanactics running around King's Landing. Who would be responsible for something like that? Oh yeah, black pepper.
Tyrion Lannister = Green Apple: Green apple is a little tart, and Tyrion can be a little sassy sometimes. But, in the end, he's acharacter flavor that everyone likes.
Arya Stark = Blueberry: Arya is like a blueberry, tangy and tart, but, sometimes, sweet as well. Plus, she's often in disguise and blueberry jelly beans often masquerade as grape. They're tricky little devils -- sort of like the Faceless Men, but let's not get into that.
Sansa Stark = Lemon: Everyone knows how Sansa feels about lemon cakes. Need I say more?
Melisandre = Cinnamon: Cinnamon jelly beans burn your tongue, just as Melisandre will burn the flesh off your body if you dare to renounce her fire god. Plus, they're red. Like her soul.
The Hound = Soap: The Hound is like a soap flavored jelly bean. He's a flavor that you don't think you'll like (you know because he kills little boys, etc), but it turns out that he's not that bad (props for recusing Sansa). Seriously, soap flavored jelly beans are almost kind of tasty, just like the Hound's sunny personality.
Jaime Lannister = Grass: Jaime is a lot like the Hound in that he's a character that you don't initially think you'll like, but he turns out to be one of your favorite characters. I believe that Jaime is the first character on television who became a fan favorite after he threw a little boy out of a window. Who would have thunk it? Anyway, grass jelly beans aren't as bad as they sound; they kind of grow on you after a while. Plus, they're green like his eyes *swoon.*
Stannis Baratheon = Earwax: Does anyone not look at Stannis' face and think "earwax, that's about right." I mean, Stannis is the chunk of wax lodged in the ear canal of the show. He's annoying and you can't get him out with either a q-tip or a thousand bottles of wildfire.
Margaery Tyrell = Cherry: Margaery is cherry because she's very sweet on the outside, but, she also has a tart aftertaste. You may think that Margaery is all sunshine and roses, but, don't worry, she'll have you poisoned when you're not looking.
Joffrey Baratheon/Lannister = Vomit: I don't know if you've ever had the misfortune to eat a vomit flavored jelly bean, but I have, and it was quite possibly the worst thing I've ever tasted. It actually tasted like vomit. It was utterly repulsive, just like Joffrey's personality.
Myrcella Baratheon/Lannister = Candy Floss: Candy floss jelly beans are pink just like every single one of Myrcella's dresses (see my blog post about Game of Thrones fashion for more about Myrcella's questionable fashion choices). Plus, she was a really sweet girl until she was murdered by the Sand Snakes. (Don't worry, she's still alive in the books.)
Tywin Lannister = Raspberry: Tywin is one of those characters that a lot of people love to hate. He's tough and cruel, but you have to respect his intelligence and his gift for strategy. Raspberry is one of those flavors that, theoretically, should taste good, but it's a little too tart to be your favorite. Tywin Lannister is one of those characters thatmakes made the game of thrones go round, but he killed one too many Starks to be my favorite.
Walder Frey = Booger: I'll be honest, this flavor was a bit of a toss up between Joffrey and Walder Frey. And, while they both deserve it, the distinct honor of being a booger belongs to Walder Frey. Do you know what killing your king and all his vassals at your own daughter's wedding after promising them safety and allowing them to eat your bread and salt makes you? A booger.
Brienne of Tarth = Root Beer: I don't know why, but I always associate root beer with being down to earth. Maybe it's the minty-ness or something, I don't know. Anyway, if anyone is down to earth, it's Brienne of Tarth.
Tormund Giantsbane = Buttered Popcorn: I don't know why, but whenever I look at Tormund I just think "you're buttered popcorn, that's what you are." Is that weird? I don't know, but at least it sort of goes with root beer, since Tormund and Brienne will be the love story of the century -- just you wait.
Ramsay Bolton = Earthworm: Do you know what you don't want to find in your mouth? An earthworm. Do you know who you don't want to find standing right behind you with a knife? Ramsay Bolton.
The Sand Snakes = Black Licorice: Nobody ever wants or enjoys licorice jelly beans, but for some reason they're always in theshow package anyway.
Jorah Mormont = Orange: Everyone likes orange flavored jelly beans, and everyone likes Jorah Mormont (even though he's basically high school boy with a crush on the head cheerleader.) It's too bad he's slowly dying of a disease that makes you go crazy.
Lyanna Mormont = Dr. Pepper: Lyanna Mormont isn't a doctor, but she's certainly sassy and spicy enough to be a Dr. Pepper flavored jelly bean. (Well, except that Dr. Pepper only has 23 flavors and Lyanna has an amy of 62 people -- big disparity there).
Toasted Marshmallow = Ygritte: Toasted marshmallow jelly beans are sweet, but not too sweet. Ygritte is sweet, but usually only to Jon Snow. Plus, you eat marshmallows when you go camping, and I feel like Ygritte would be very good at camping. I mean, she does spend most of her time hiking through the snow and everything.
Theon Greyjoy = Dirt: Let's be honest, Theon is no one's favorite character. He's generally unpleasant, cowardly, petty, and he gives the worst inspirational speeches. He betrays Robb Stark, Bran, and Rickon. Even though he redeems himself a bit in season six, he's a dirt character as far as I'm concerned.
Littlefinger = Sausage: Littlefinger is the opposite of the Hound and Jaime Lannister. You think "huh, maybe a sausage flavored jelly bean won't be so bad," then you eat it and it's TERRIBLE! So, yeah, you may think that Littlefinger is on your side, until he's pushing you out the Moon Door.
Robert Arryn = Rotten Egg: He's a rotten egg because he was spoiled rotten! Get it? Get it?
I guess that's enough horrible, jelly bean themed jokes for now.
Just sayin'
Let me explain.
I like jelly beans. I think jelly beans are great. I like to eat jelly beans while I watch Game of Thrones. Sometimes, I go to the Wegman's candy corner, buy a bunch of jelly beans, and then assign different flavors to different characters in the show. Then, when the character comes on, I eat one of their jelly beans. It's a bit like a drinking game, but it's better because you get to eat jelly beans.
Plus, I feel very deeply that jelly beans are an extremely expressive food. This is especially true of Jelly Belly jelly beans because THEY HAVE SO MANY FLAVORS! Thus, I feel that jelly beans are the artistic medium of expression that best exemplifies the complex and layered characters portrayed in Game of Thrones. There are 50 official Jelly Belly jelly bean flavors, but I'm also going to include the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans flavors because they're made by Jelly Belly, and I have the artistic freedom to talk about any jelly bean I want!
Jon Snow = 7UP: I feel like Jon Snow and 7UP jelly beans have a lot in common. They're both a bit sour (but, I mean, that's fair enough considering that Olly shived him -- #4TheWatch). Plus, 7UP jelly beans have a carbonated flavor, which reminds me of Jon Snow's eternal angsty-ness. Again, you would probably be angsty too if your entire family (including you) was murdered and no one will listen to you when you tell them that the army of the dead is coming.
Cersei Lannister = Black Pepper: Cersei is bitter, just like black pepper jelly beans (and yes, they really exist and they're terrible. Cersei is a tolerable character when used sparingly in a few scenes, but too many Cersei scenes leave a bad taste in your mouth. As we all know, if you give Cersei too many scenes, you end up with an army of relgious fanactics running around King's Landing. Who would be responsible for something like that? Oh yeah, black pepper.
Tyrion Lannister = Green Apple: Green apple is a little tart, and Tyrion can be a little sassy sometimes. But, in the end, he's a
Arya Stark = Blueberry: Arya is like a blueberry, tangy and tart, but, sometimes, sweet as well. Plus, she's often in disguise and blueberry jelly beans often masquerade as grape. They're tricky little devils -- sort of like the Faceless Men, but let's not get into that.
Sansa Stark = Lemon: Everyone knows how Sansa feels about lemon cakes. Need I say more?
Melisandre = Cinnamon: Cinnamon jelly beans burn your tongue, just as Melisandre will burn the flesh off your body if you dare to renounce her fire god. Plus, they're red. Like her soul.
The Hound = Soap: The Hound is like a soap flavored jelly bean. He's a flavor that you don't think you'll like (you know because he kills little boys, etc), but it turns out that he's not that bad (props for recusing Sansa). Seriously, soap flavored jelly beans are almost kind of tasty, just like the Hound's sunny personality.
Jaime Lannister = Grass: Jaime is a lot like the Hound in that he's a character that you don't initially think you'll like, but he turns out to be one of your favorite characters. I believe that Jaime is the first character on television who became a fan favorite after he threw a little boy out of a window. Who would have thunk it? Anyway, grass jelly beans aren't as bad as they sound; they kind of grow on you after a while. Plus, they're green like his eyes *swoon.*
Stannis Baratheon = Earwax: Does anyone not look at Stannis' face and think "earwax, that's about right." I mean, Stannis is the chunk of wax lodged in the ear canal of the show. He's annoying and you can't get him out with either a q-tip or a thousand bottles of wildfire.
Margaery Tyrell = Cherry: Margaery is cherry because she's very sweet on the outside, but, she also has a tart aftertaste. You may think that Margaery is all sunshine and roses, but, don't worry, she'll have you poisoned when you're not looking.
Myrcella Baratheon/Lannister = Candy Floss: Candy floss jelly beans are pink just like every single one of Myrcella's dresses (see my blog post about Game of Thrones fashion for more about Myrcella's questionable fashion choices). Plus, she was a really sweet girl until she was murdered by the Sand Snakes. (Don't worry, she's still alive in the books.)
Tywin Lannister = Raspberry: Tywin is one of those characters that a lot of people love to hate. He's tough and cruel, but you have to respect his intelligence and his gift for strategy. Raspberry is one of those flavors that, theoretically, should taste good, but it's a little too tart to be your favorite. Tywin Lannister is one of those characters that
Walder Frey = Booger: I'll be honest, this flavor was a bit of a toss up between Joffrey and Walder Frey. And, while they both deserve it, the distinct honor of being a booger belongs to Walder Frey. Do you know what killing your king and all his vassals at your own daughter's wedding after promising them safety and allowing them to eat your bread and salt makes you? A booger.
Brienne of Tarth = Root Beer: I don't know why, but I always associate root beer with being down to earth. Maybe it's the minty-ness or something, I don't know. Anyway, if anyone is down to earth, it's Brienne of Tarth.
Tormund Giantsbane = Buttered Popcorn: I don't know why, but whenever I look at Tormund I just think "you're buttered popcorn, that's what you are." Is that weird? I don't know, but at least it sort of goes with root beer, since Tormund and Brienne will be the love story of the century -- just you wait.
Ramsay Bolton = Earthworm: Do you know what you don't want to find in your mouth? An earthworm. Do you know who you don't want to find standing right behind you with a knife? Ramsay Bolton.
The Sand Snakes = Black Licorice: Nobody ever wants or enjoys licorice jelly beans, but for some reason they're always in the
Lyanna Mormont = Dr. Pepper: Lyanna Mormont isn't a doctor, but she's certainly sassy and spicy enough to be a Dr. Pepper flavored jelly bean. (Well, except that Dr. Pepper only has 23 flavors and Lyanna has an amy of 62 people -- big disparity there).
Toasted Marshmallow = Ygritte: Toasted marshmallow jelly beans are sweet, but not too sweet. Ygritte is sweet, but usually only to Jon Snow. Plus, you eat marshmallows when you go camping, and I feel like Ygritte would be very good at camping. I mean, she does spend most of her time hiking through the snow and everything.
Theon Greyjoy = Dirt: Let's be honest, Theon is no one's favorite character. He's generally unpleasant, cowardly, petty, and he gives the worst inspirational speeches. He betrays Robb Stark, Bran, and Rickon. Even though he redeems himself a bit in season six, he's a dirt character as far as I'm concerned.
Littlefinger = Sausage: Littlefinger is the opposite of the Hound and Jaime Lannister. You think "huh, maybe a sausage flavored jelly bean won't be so bad," then you eat it and it's TERRIBLE! So, yeah, you may think that Littlefinger is on your side, until he's pushing you out the Moon Door.
Robert Arryn = Rotten Egg: He's a rotten egg because he was spoiled rotten! Get it? Get it?
I guess that's enough horrible, jelly bean themed jokes for now.
Just sayin'
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