Responding to Robert Pattinson's Disasterous Pasta Adventure
I'm writing today because I am outraged. OUTRAGED!
The good name of pasta, one of the most delicious foods on the planet, has been maligned. It has been shamefully microwaved and slathered in disgraceful cornflakes and sugar and sliced (sliced!!!) cheese. The horror is beyond belief.
Like many of you, I mourn the degradation of this once wonderful meal.
In case you're really confused about what I'm talking about, let me back up a bit and give you some background before I go in to a full fledged *rant.*
One of the silver lining of the coronavirus lockdown is lots and *lots* of weird celebrity news and out and out absurdity overall. Normally, I don't care about that stuff too much, but there comes a point when things become too bizarre to ignore (case in point, Tiger King), and Robert Pattinson (aka the sparkly vampire that dominated the pop culture of my early high school years) has just broken that absurdity meter.
In case you haven't heard, Robert Pattinson—who is an actor—has a business idea for some sort of hand-held, fast food version of pasta called Piccolini Cuscino (little pillow), and it is quite possibly the weirdest, most disgusting food that anyone has ever heard of. You can read all about it here, but basically RP decided to make a demo on how to cook this dish during quarantine, and it was a disaster. To start, he cooked the pasta in the microwave (which typically results in a gelatinous mess in my collegial experience) and then nestled said pasta in a foil shell lined with cornflakes, sliced American cheese, and *sugar.* The resulting mess is baked (RP tried to do this in a microwave, which caused some indoor fireworks) and topped with a hamburger bun.
Now, I was instantly troubled by this for completely obvious reasons. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that it sounds absolutely disgusting. Actually, some people have tried to make it now, and they too have confirmed that it is sickening.
I think the thing that really gets me is the sugar. Why does it need to be crusted in sugar?? What does that add??? Like, don't get me wrong, I like sweet things as much as the next person, but you don't eat pasta with sugar on top. Pasta has its own sugar based in; it's called carbs.
The cheese also really offends me. I am accepting of all kinds of cheese, and I add it to meals whenever I can, but American cheese does not belong on pasta! You have to go with mozzarella or parmesan, maybe even cheddar. Basically, it can be anything but American. I mean, that is a completely different genre of cheese!!! Don't insult pasta like that! Especially if you're adding tomato sauce like RP.
YUCK!
All of this really makes me question what RP has been eating his entire life. If I had as much money as he does, I would not be feasting on American cheese and sugar out of tin foil. Either he actually really likes this stuff or he is profoundly bad at cooking.
And that's coming from a person who can't cook.
Like, I don't know how you can exist for thirty-ish years in this world and be that bad at preparing food. How has he been surviving this whole time????? I know that he's rich and all that, but he must have had to prepare his own meals at some point during his life.
I mean, the very fact that he didn't know you can't put metal in the microwave is mind meltingly astounding. Like, I'm pretty sure I knew not to put metal in the microwave when I was five. In fact, my cats probably know that too, and they don't have thumbs.
Not to mention that there's really no reason to construct a "little pillow" of pasta in this fashion. I mean, it kind of seems like RP had a decent idea and then went about accomplishing it in the worst possible way. Like, if he wanted to have some sort of portable pasta, you could easily create some sort of pasta patty and slap it between two hamburger buns. All you would need to do is mix some pasta and sauce with a little egg and breadcrumbs. Or, you could stuff the pasta in some sort of bread envelope, like a calzone or a hot pocket. Both of those things would be easier to eat than a hot, steaming mess of cheese and sugar.
There are better ways to make a pasta pillow.
Just sayin'
The good name of pasta, one of the most delicious foods on the planet, has been maligned. It has been shamefully microwaved and slathered in disgraceful cornflakes and sugar and sliced (sliced!!!) cheese. The horror is beyond belief.
Like many of you, I mourn the degradation of this once wonderful meal.
In case you're really confused about what I'm talking about, let me back up a bit and give you some background before I go in to a full fledged *rant.*
One of the silver lining of the coronavirus lockdown is lots and *lots* of weird celebrity news and out and out absurdity overall. Normally, I don't care about that stuff too much, but there comes a point when things become too bizarre to ignore (case in point, Tiger King), and Robert Pattinson (aka the sparkly vampire that dominated the pop culture of my early high school years) has just broken that absurdity meter.
In case you haven't heard, Robert Pattinson—who is an actor—has a business idea for some sort of hand-held, fast food version of pasta called Piccolini Cuscino (little pillow), and it is quite possibly the weirdest, most disgusting food that anyone has ever heard of. You can read all about it here, but basically RP decided to make a demo on how to cook this dish during quarantine, and it was a disaster. To start, he cooked the pasta in the microwave (which typically results in a gelatinous mess in my collegial experience) and then nestled said pasta in a foil shell lined with cornflakes, sliced American cheese, and *sugar.* The resulting mess is baked (RP tried to do this in a microwave, which caused some indoor fireworks) and topped with a hamburger bun.
Now, I was instantly troubled by this for completely obvious reasons. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that it sounds absolutely disgusting. Actually, some people have tried to make it now, and they too have confirmed that it is sickening.
I think the thing that really gets me is the sugar. Why does it need to be crusted in sugar?? What does that add??? Like, don't get me wrong, I like sweet things as much as the next person, but you don't eat pasta with sugar on top. Pasta has its own sugar based in; it's called carbs.
The cheese also really offends me. I am accepting of all kinds of cheese, and I add it to meals whenever I can, but American cheese does not belong on pasta! You have to go with mozzarella or parmesan, maybe even cheddar. Basically, it can be anything but American. I mean, that is a completely different genre of cheese!!! Don't insult pasta like that! Especially if you're adding tomato sauce like RP.
YUCK!
All of this really makes me question what RP has been eating his entire life. If I had as much money as he does, I would not be feasting on American cheese and sugar out of tin foil. Either he actually really likes this stuff or he is profoundly bad at cooking.
And that's coming from a person who can't cook.
Like, I don't know how you can exist for thirty-ish years in this world and be that bad at preparing food. How has he been surviving this whole time????? I know that he's rich and all that, but he must have had to prepare his own meals at some point during his life.
I mean, the very fact that he didn't know you can't put metal in the microwave is mind meltingly astounding. Like, I'm pretty sure I knew not to put metal in the microwave when I was five. In fact, my cats probably know that too, and they don't have thumbs.
Not to mention that there's really no reason to construct a "little pillow" of pasta in this fashion. I mean, it kind of seems like RP had a decent idea and then went about accomplishing it in the worst possible way. Like, if he wanted to have some sort of portable pasta, you could easily create some sort of pasta patty and slap it between two hamburger buns. All you would need to do is mix some pasta and sauce with a little egg and breadcrumbs. Or, you could stuff the pasta in some sort of bread envelope, like a calzone or a hot pocket. Both of those things would be easier to eat than a hot, steaming mess of cheese and sugar.
There are better ways to make a pasta pillow.
Just sayin'
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