Conan the Barbarian - Not as Good as Dave the Barbarian

So, the other day I was watching Conan the Barbarian with my dad and I just have to say, huh? I mean, I've seen this movie a couple of times and I've tried, I've really tried; I just don't get it. It's not that I don't like barbarians, I'm very pro-barbarian. Actually, the word barbarian originated from the Ancient  Greek word barbaros, which referred to anyone who wasn't Greek. Hey, I'm not Greek, I'm a barbarian too! So yes, Conan, I get where you're coming from with the bad haircut and all that leather clothing - I've had bad hair cuts too, it's rough, I get it. Plus, I was a big fan of Dave the Barbarian when it was on Disney Channel. However, for all my barbarian sentimentality, there are a few questions that I just have to ask.

First off, why do the snake people kill Conan's parents? I get that, when you're a barbarian, sometimes you just want to go and pillage, but you have to have a reason. I mean, what, was it because they were bored, was it because it was a Wednesday, or were they just in the neighborhood? Like, random things can happen in real life, but random events don't work in movies! You need a reason to massacre a village; it doesn't even have to be a good reason. Maybe Conan's parents were running a restaurant and they put to much Salt on the elk. And Thulsa Doom was like "curse you, I'm on a low sodium diet! I will kill you all".

No one dresses like that to rob a temple!

I mean, I guess you could make the argument that they invaded the village for slaves. If they wanted slaves, then they shouldn't have killed all the adults. It doesn't make sense to kill all the healthy workers and then take the scrawny kids! Dave the Barbarian never had these sorts of plot holes; although I never did figure out why everyone always thought Fang was a monkey.

That brings me to the wheel of pain. According to Wikipedia, it's actually a mill, but no one would know that from the movie because no one explains anything. It's like "oh, those people just killed those people, wonder why? Oh look, they're tying Conan to that wheel thing - wonder what it is?". A mill apparently. Except that it can't be a flour mill because flour mills have to be in agricultural areas where people, you know, grow grain. I guess it could be a paper mill (except I don't think barbarians have much use for paper), or a snuff mill (except I don't think barbarians use snuff either), or a fulling mill for cloth (but based on his horrid leather clothing, I don't think so). If it was a fulling mill, they could make some lovely calico for Conan; some nice blues or pinks would really bring out Conan's eyes.

Barbarian-ish yet stylish

Speaking of all that horrible leather, what is going on with Valeria's outfit (Valeria is the girl that Conan and that other guy meet randomly when they're robbing the snake tower, because, everything happens randomly in this movie)? Does she have to wear a corset to scale a building? I mean, she could totally take a note from Dave the Barbarian's sister, Candy, she may be a barbarian, but she has style. I had no idea that furs and animal skins came in pink and purple and, apparently, neither does Valeria. Also, let it be noted that I had to read the Wikipedia plot summary of the movie to figure out what her name was. Do you know why? Because no one in the movie ever talks. Like, Conan, the title character doesn't say a word until you're like half an hour into the movie. The movie is called Conan the Barbarian; Conan says like ten words in the whole movie. The movie should be called Bob the Narrator, because the narrator is the only one who talks in the whole movie. Actually, as far as I know, Conan is the only character in the movie with a name.

Everyone likes a barbarian who can cook

However, I do know that the snake guy is named Thulsa Doom. That's a great name. Mr. Doom. How are you this morning, Mr. Doom? Nice weather we're having, Mr. Doom. Would you like some white wine with that snake, Mr. Doom? Paper or plastic, Mr. Doom? You gotta figure that, when your last name is Doom, you really have a lot of pressure on you to live up to the name. I mean, it really limits the sort of career path you can take. You can't be like "oh hello, I'm Mr. Doom and I'll be your son's kindergarten teacher" or "I'm Thulsa Doom, CPA, can I help you with your taxes?". It doesn't really sound right. If your name is Doom, you really have to be a mythological villain of some sort. By the same token, I guess if your name is Conan the Barabarian, you really have to be a barbarian. I mean there's no hospital in the world where the nurse is like "If you just take a seat here, Dr. the Barbarian will be right with you". Then, Conan would come out in his awkward, loincloth thing, and a stethoscope and be like "I'm the Barbarian, your cardiologist".

It's probably a good thing that Conan never practiced medicine. Dave the Barbarian would be a much better doctor; he's sweet and sensitive and says 'bajabbers', and he has a pet dragon. You can trust people with dragons. Long story short, Dave is vastly superior to Conan.

Dave can make pancakes.

Just sayin'