Confessions of Voldemort's Nose: A Short Play
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| What a Beautiful Young Nose |
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Scene 1: Life of a Nose
Enter a Nose, it is a pale nose, very pointy and sad.
Nose: To sneeze or not to sneeze, that is the question. [Dramatic pause] I had a face once - a great and terrible face. The face of Voldemort. He was so evil; I was proud to be a part of that face. When I was on that face, I was a great nose. I could boss all the other noses around. I was the leader of the solemn order of the nostril. We called ourselves nostril eaters. I liked the nostril eaters, because I could make fun of Lucious Malfoy's nose. Good times. Good times.
Enter Voldemort's eyebrows.
Eyebrows: Oh nose! Nose! Wherefore art thou nose?
Nose: Eyebrows! Dear eyebrows! Were you banished from the face as well?
Eyebrows: I was! And that stupid, Malfoy nose won't stop sneezing at me!
Nose: Ah! The shame! The shame! I don't think I shall ever overcome the trauma of being banished from the face of Voldemort. Even his snot was evil! It used to beat up other snot. Oh! Oh how I miss him!
Eyebrows: It's all due to that stupid snake, Nagini, who has neither eyebrow nor nose. She's jealous of our face power!
Nose: How horrible! I remember when things were different...it wasn't always like this.
Eyebrows: It wasn't?
Nose: No...let me tell you a story - a tale of two noses.
Scene 2: A Tale of Two Noses
Enter two noses, one a young nose with a mustache, one the old, sad nose from scene 1.
Old Nose: I was a young nose once...I was born on the face of a young man named Tom Marvolo Riddle. He was a half blood wizard, but fortunately, I was part of the pure blood half, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Even as a child he was horrible and evil. Sometimes, he would make me sneeze on other children's hard boiled eggs...I loved him so much. We went everywhere together (mostly because I was attached to his face, but also because I was good at smelling out kindness so that Tom could destroy it). I was such a handsome young nose...look at me.
Young Nose: I am nose! Hear me sneeze! The world is my Kleenex.
Old Nose: I was so beautiful. Look at that perfect mustache. Granted, I didn't have that mustache in real life because Voldemort didn't believe in facial hair (hence the fate of his poor eyebrows). But I was still a very successful nose. Oh, the people I sneezed on. I once sneezed on John Stamos. It was the single most evil thing I ever did. Voldemort bought me a friendship nose ring to celebrate.
Young Nose: Granted, I didn't wear that ring very much because it clashed with my mustache. I didn't want to look like a hoodlum!
Old Nose: In any case, all my trouble began in 1981...ah, the 80s, they were trouble. It was after the invention of Styrofoam and before *NSYNC. Those were dark days, dark days. In any case, on Halloween, Voldemort and I went to the Potters house to kill Harry Potter. Since it was Halloween, I went dressed as a butterfly (I think it was a rather good costume). When we arrived at Godric's Hallow, the Potters saw the butterfly, were confused by our disguise, and opened the door (the fools!). But the baby was more difficult to fool. As we were climbing up the stairs, one of my wings fell off. I tried to pretend that I was a crippled butterfly from the society for the advancement of crippled insects, but the child saw right through my disguise! He laughed at me!
Young Nose: No!
Old Nose: Yes! He laughed at me! You know that Voldemort can't stand laughter! It makes him very uncomfortable (you know, for psychological reasons). Anyway, when Voldemort encounters psychological difficulties, he bursts into flames. That was how he died the first time. I'm afraid he blamed me for the whole incident. He later referred to it as the One-Winged-Butterfly-Debacle.
Scene 3: The One-Winged-Butterfly-Debacle
Enter the original nose and Voldemort's eyebrows.
Eyebrows: That's a horrible story, Nosey. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Nose: So am I, eyebrows, so am I.
Eyebrows: But I still don't understand why you were banished from the face.
Nose: Well, after Voldemort was resurrected, he called a meeting of the Death Eaters Ethics Committee to decide if I had behaved ethically during the butterfly debacle.
Eyebrows: What did they decide?
Nose: They said that I had been completely ethical. Imagine that! Me! I've never been ethical in my entire life! I cheat on my taxes and sometimes I act like I'm going to sneeze and then I don't.
Eyebrows: I always hate it when that happens. You're so unethical. I wish I was as successful a facial appendage as you are.
Nose: It's a gift. So, after that, I was ordered to leave the face.
Eyebrows: What did you do after that?
Nose: I'm not going to lie to you, Eyebrows, it was hard work to earn my nasal spray. At first, I was a model for Kleenex. But then I was fired on grounds of indecent exposure (they said I exposed my nostril on camera). After that, I backpacked around Europe for a while. It was good fun; I sneezed on a lot of French people. After that, I opened a bagel store in Kenya. It went out of business very quickly. After that, I was hired by *NSYNC to sneeze on the Backstreet Boys. That's how I earned my first million. Now, I'm the CEO of Nasonex. Justin Timberlake still sends me a Christmas card.
Eyebrows: That's a great story, Nosey.
Eyebrows: Well, Voldemort shaved me off because eyebrows have no purpose.
Nose: Amen to that. Do you want to go to a Justin Timberlake concert?
Eyebrows: You know it.
***
Truly, eyebrows have no purpose.
Just sayin'
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