Ultimate Harry Potter: A Tale of Noodle Hair and The Original Spider Man Films

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So, I live in fear of several things, one: the zombie apocalypse, two: whales, and three: people who can't use semi-colons properly. But there is a fourth fear, a great fear that surpasses all other fears: the Harry Potter film remake.

Now, before you freak out, let me just say that, as far as I know, there are no plans to remake the Harry Potter movies in the near future. But, let's be real here people, it's coming. If  Hollywood can remake The Wizard of Oz, perhaps one of the best known American film classics of all time, they can remake Harry Potter too. And I'm not even going to bring up the fact that someone actually managed to make Conan the Barbarian worse than the original; that took skill. I don't even want to talk about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Which means that a Harry Potter remake is actually quite conceivable.

Like, I'm not saying it's going to happen today, or tomorrow. But in 10 or 20 years time, Warner Brothers is going to decide that they can make a better Harry Potter movie because they didn't get quite enough money out of Harry Potter the first time and special effects are better now anyway. And we all need to be prepared for that dark, dark day. So, to psychologically prepare for this eventuality and face my fear, I've decide to make up an ultimate cast for the ultimate Harry Potter movie, if I couldn't have any of the original actors. I call it, ULTIMATE HARRY POTTER.

So, let me begin by saying that no one could replace Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter. He was absolutely perfect for the part. That being said, if someone could replace Daniel Radcliffe, it would be Justin Timberlake. You know, because he's Justin freakin' Timberlake. Enough said. Like, I cannot over state how completely boss JT is. It being in both *NSync and Shrek doesn't qualify you to play Harry Potter, I don't know what does. Besides that, he'd just be a really good Harry Potter in general; he's got the right attitude for the part, we know that he can rock completely horrible hair styles (as evidenced by the *NSync noodle hair incident), and I'm pretty sure he would look good with glasses. Besides, if he played Harry Potter, the Goblet of Fire could finally become the musical it's so clearly meant to be. It would so easy, Harry could basically spend the whole movie singing about Gilly Weed and Dragons and how he so desperately doesn't want to die. And how is it that there isn't a scene in the movie where Myrtle expresses her attraction to Harry in song form.

Actually, maybe Justin Timberlake should just play every character. That would be a beautiful, beautiful thing.

But, it's probably not going to happen, so I should probably assign the rest of the roles. Jenna Marbles would definitely be Bellatrix Lestrange because, seriously, why not? Sophie Turner would have to be Ginny because she's both a red head and a wonderful actress and Mayim Bialik would have to be Hermione because she's actually smart in real life. John Green would have to be Professor Flitwick, because, even though he's not really an actor, he does a great job teaching Crash Course, so he could totally teach charms (and he's just awesome in general). I think I would have James Franco play Draco Malfoy, not because I think he'd be a good Draco, just because, it's, you know, James Franco. Although, Malfoy does have a certain Harry Osbourne-esque element to him a la the original Spider Man movies. But, most importantly, Dumbledore would be played by John Stamos. Don't ask why, that's just the way it has to be. For some reason, he would just be a perfect Dumbledore and, anyway, It wouldn't be ultimate Harry Potter without John Stamos. John Stamos could even play Voldemort too if he wanted too.

Unless Justin Timberlake wanted to play Voldemort, then Justin Timberlake could totally play Voldemort. Not because he would be a good Voldemort, because I think JT is too nice to be Voldemort, but because if he played Voldemort then, in the 7th movie the death eaters could break into a chorus of Bye, Bye, Bye when Voldemort dies. That was the one thing Harry Potter was always missing, a rockin' boy band. That is the ULTIMATE HARRY POTTER.

Just sayin'

Comments

  1. KiraJanuary 4, 2014 at 12:26 AM

    Lol Harry Potter boy band sounds like a beautiful thing

    ReplyDelete

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