How to Go Grocery Shopping like a Grownup: A Short Play
So, last night my roommate and I went grocery shopping for the first time in about a month. What were we eating for that month we didn't go grocery shopping you may ask? Mostly Chinese food and chocolate milk. Anyway, someone told us that if you eat Chinese take out more than three times a week, you have a problem, so we decided to go grocery shopping. You know, like grownups.
Anyway, when you don't go grocery shopping in a month, the supermarket becomes this magical place where you can find all sorts of exotic foods you didn't even know existed, like lettuce and canned tuna. Because of this, I've decided to write a short play about our experiences in the mystical land of grocery store. You're welcome.
Scene 1: The Empty Refrigerator
Enter two roommates. They are in the kitchen of their apartment, looking in the refrigerator.
Roommate 1: How is it possible that we have no food?
Roommate 2: We don't have no food. Look, there's some soy sauce...and a whole jar of guacamole...and chocolate milk! We always have chocolate milk.
Roommate 1: You're right! Let's have some chocolate milk.
They each drink a glass of chocolate milk.
Roommate 2: Actually, I think that was the last of the chocolate milk.
Roommate 1: What? How are we going to live??? We're going to starve.
Roommate 2: Calm down. We can always get Chinese food.
Roommate 1: If I eat any more lo mein, I swear I'm going to barf all over your pillow pet.
Roommate 2: Hold on now, let's not do anything we might regret. I think I know what we can do. I've heard of this place...a secret place...it's called a grocery store.
Roommate 1: Hashtag what? That's totally an urban legend.
Roommate 2: No, I swear it's real.
Roommate 1: This better not be like the time you said that Penn State had a coke machine on campus. Because that was a complete lie.
Roommate 2: No! This time it's for sure. I know, I've been there before. (Although I still say the PSU coke machine was the inspiration for JAY Z's Holy Grail).
Roommate 1: Okay then, take me to this 'grocery store' of which you speak.
Scene 2: The Produce Section
The two roommates enter the grocery store, blinking in surprise.
Roommate 1: Wow...it's so bright. Like, whoa, talk about fluorescent.
Roommate 2: Look at all the FOOD.
Roommate 1: OMG. I bet they have a ton of soy sauce here.
Roommate 2: Not just soy sauce! Look over there [pointing] ; they have bananas.
Roommate 1: Bananas! I always thought you could only get those in exotic places...you know, like Pittsburgh. I'm going to get twenty.
Roommate 2: That's reasonable.
Roommate 1 [pointing at a display of lettuce] : And they have a ton of green stuff too.
Roommate 2: I think that's called lettuce.
Roommate 1: Let us? Let us do what?
Roommate 2: I don't know. That's a little suspicious. Who knows what they'll 'let us' do. Maybe we should get out of here.
Roommate 1: Probably. Those carrots over there are starting to freak me out.
Scene 3: The Dry Food Section
They enter the cookie and cracker aisle.
Roommate 1: Wow! Look at all those crackers. Like, I wish I had some soup right now, to dip some of those crackers in.
Roommate 2: Psh, you don't need soup to eat crackers, you can just....hold up! Are those Wheat Thins??
Roommate 1: Wheat Thins? I haven't seen Wheat Thins since 2005!
Roommate 2: And look at all the flavors...honey mustard... tomato basil...chili cheese...garden vegetable...which flavor should I get?
Roommate 1: I don't know, that's a hard decision.
Roommate 2: I know! I'll get all of them! [Grabs ten boxes of Wheat Thins]. This ought to hold me over for a week or so.
Roommate 1: Don't turn around now, but there's a whole wall of Oreos behind you.
Roommate 2: What??? They have cookie dough Oreos! And birthday cake Oreos! I'm getting two of each!
Roommate 1: But you don't eat cookies.
Roommate 2: It doesn't matter. Cookie. Dough. Oreos.
Roommate 1: You're right. Better get five packages. Even though they probably taste gross.
Roommate 2: Probably. Oh well.
Scene 4: The Refrigerator and Frozen Food Section
Enter the refrigerator/frozen food section.
Roommate 2: Look lemonade!
Roommate 1: Yum! Does it have calories?
Roommate 2: Ugh, yeah. I can't get it! I'm on a strict no calorie diet.
Roommate 1: That sucks!
Roommate 2: OMG! Did you know they made mint ice cream sandwiches! I should get 7...no, 14...actually, 20 ought to do it.
Roommate 1: Wait! Wait! Wait! Hello Kitty popsicles exist???
Roommate 2: Get some! Whoa...Avengers popsicles? Hashtag yes!
Roommate 1: Hold up? They make lime popsicles. Lime??? This is why I love America.
Roommate 2: Better get some firecracker popsicle then.
Roommate 1: Totally! Like 1997.
Roommate 2: We're getting four boxes of popsicles. Is that going to be a problem?
They pause to think.
Together: Nah!
Roommate 1: Look chocolate milk!!!!
Roommate 2: Hashtag chocolate milk is the real Holy Grail.
Roommate 1: Hashtag I got 99 problems but chocolate milk ain't one.
Roommate 2: Wait, does chocolate milk have calories?
Maybe we should have stuck with Chinese food.
Just sayin'
Anyway, when you don't go grocery shopping in a month, the supermarket becomes this magical place where you can find all sorts of exotic foods you didn't even know existed, like lettuce and canned tuna. Because of this, I've decided to write a short play about our experiences in the mystical land of grocery store. You're welcome.
***
Scene 1: The Empty Refrigerator
Enter two roommates. They are in the kitchen of their apartment, looking in the refrigerator.
Roommate 1: How is it possible that we have no food?
Roommate 2: We don't have no food. Look, there's some soy sauce...and a whole jar of guacamole...and chocolate milk! We always have chocolate milk.
Roommate 1: You're right! Let's have some chocolate milk.
They each drink a glass of chocolate milk.
Roommate 2: Actually, I think that was the last of the chocolate milk.
Roommate 1: What? How are we going to live??? We're going to starve.
Roommate 2: Calm down. We can always get Chinese food.
Roommate 1: If I eat any more lo mein, I swear I'm going to barf all over your pillow pet.
Roommate 2: Hold on now, let's not do anything we might regret. I think I know what we can do. I've heard of this place...a secret place...it's called a grocery store.
Roommate 1: Hashtag what? That's totally an urban legend.
Roommate 2: No, I swear it's real.
Roommate 1: This better not be like the time you said that Penn State had a coke machine on campus. Because that was a complete lie.
Roommate 2: No! This time it's for sure. I know, I've been there before. (Although I still say the PSU coke machine was the inspiration for JAY Z's Holy Grail).
Roommate 1: Okay then, take me to this 'grocery store' of which you speak.
Scene 2: The Produce Section
The two roommates enter the grocery store, blinking in surprise.
Roommate 1: Wow...it's so bright. Like, whoa, talk about fluorescent.
Roommate 2: Look at all the FOOD.
Roommate 1: OMG. I bet they have a ton of soy sauce here.
Roommate 2: Not just soy sauce! Look over there [pointing] ; they have bananas.
Roommate 1: Bananas! I always thought you could only get those in exotic places...you know, like Pittsburgh. I'm going to get twenty.
Roommate 2: That's reasonable.
Roommate 1 [pointing at a display of lettuce] : And they have a ton of green stuff too.
Roommate 2: I think that's called lettuce.
Roommate 1: Let us? Let us do what?
Roommate 2: I don't know. That's a little suspicious. Who knows what they'll 'let us' do. Maybe we should get out of here.
Roommate 1: Probably. Those carrots over there are starting to freak me out.
Scene 3: The Dry Food Section
They enter the cookie and cracker aisle.
Roommate 1: Wow! Look at all those crackers. Like, I wish I had some soup right now, to dip some of those crackers in.
Roommate 2: Psh, you don't need soup to eat crackers, you can just....hold up! Are those Wheat Thins??
Roommate 1: Wheat Thins? I haven't seen Wheat Thins since 2005!
Roommate 2: And look at all the flavors...honey mustard... tomato basil...chili cheese...garden vegetable...which flavor should I get?
Roommate 1: I don't know, that's a hard decision.
Roommate 2: I know! I'll get all of them! [Grabs ten boxes of Wheat Thins]. This ought to hold me over for a week or so.
Roommate 1: Don't turn around now, but there's a whole wall of Oreos behind you.
Roommate 2: What??? They have cookie dough Oreos! And birthday cake Oreos! I'm getting two of each!
Roommate 1: But you don't eat cookies.
Roommate 2: It doesn't matter. Cookie. Dough. Oreos.
Roommate 1: You're right. Better get five packages. Even though they probably taste gross.
Roommate 2: Probably. Oh well.
Scene 4: The Refrigerator and Frozen Food Section
Enter the refrigerator/frozen food section.
Roommate 2: Look lemonade!
Roommate 1: Yum! Does it have calories?
Roommate 2: Ugh, yeah. I can't get it! I'm on a strict no calorie diet.
Roommate 1: That sucks!
Roommate 2: OMG! Did you know they made mint ice cream sandwiches! I should get 7...no, 14...actually, 20 ought to do it.
Roommate 1: Wait! Wait! Wait! Hello Kitty popsicles exist???
Roommate 2: Get some! Whoa...Avengers popsicles? Hashtag yes!
Roommate 1: Hold up? They make lime popsicles. Lime??? This is why I love America.
Roommate 2: Better get some firecracker popsicle then.
Roommate 1: Totally! Like 1997.
Roommate 2: We're getting four boxes of popsicles. Is that going to be a problem?
They pause to think.
Together: Nah!
Roommate 1: Look chocolate milk!!!!
Roommate 2: Hashtag chocolate milk is the real Holy Grail.
Roommate 1: Hashtag I got 99 problems but chocolate milk ain't one.
Roommate 2: Wait, does chocolate milk have calories?
***
Maybe we should have stuck with Chinese food.
Just sayin'
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