The Levels of Nail Polish Addiction
Hi, my name is MC and I own at least fifty bottles of nail polish.
Why? How? What for? I don't know. All I do know is that if you go into my apartment, you will find a strategically placed photo box full of nail polish. I mean, if you think about it, 50 bottles of nail polish is ridiculous, not just because it's 50 bottles but because nail polish is really weird to begin with.
That may sound like an extreme statement, but based on my super accurate statistics that I have just made up, over 99% of females in the US own at least one bottle of nail polish. Some of them don't even know that they own nail polish, but it's there. It's hiding under your bed, in your medicine cabinet, stuffed in the back of your sock drawer, maybe even in a forlorn duffle bag stuffed in our closet somewhere. Even the women who don't like nail polish have nail polish: It's been given to them as gifts, inherited from friends, or, sometimes, it just spontaneously appears. If you're a female in this country, nail polish has infiltrated your life. Why, you might ask? Because it's unacceptable to have fingernails that are fingernail colored -- based on the rules I've just made up. So, no matter what you do or how much you try, nail polish will creep into your like, fill your soul, and CONSUME YOU.
Okay, maybe not the last one, but you might become a nail polish addict and, if you are, I'm about to create a helpful little chart to let you know where you stand.
Not Addicted to Nail Polish at All: These are the people who don't like nail polish, don't want to use nail polish but own nail polish anyway. It creeps into their lives and hides under their beds. One day, when it's owner is asleep, the nail polish will creep out and polish one, single nail. Then, it will go back to lurking under the bed. Remember, nail polish finds a way.
Nail Polish Minimalists: I've never actually met one of these people, but I know they're out there somewhere. These are the people who have just a few bottles of nail polish that they actually like and use. This is a different type of crazy. Who, of the humans who actually paint their nails, can subsist on less than ten colors?? I mean, we all have like five colors that we use almost exclusively, but we need the other 45 bottles for *cough* strategic nail painting purposes *cough.* The nail polish minimalists just get rid of all the colors they don't need/use. These people are what I like to call WRONG. Come on, you're telling me you don't need that bottle of pink glitter polish that you haven't used since 2008. You know you need it.
Practical Polishers: These are the bread-and-butter of nail polish users, the people with between 10 to 25 bottles of nail polish. This is a mild form of nail polish addiction; these people have colors that they actually use and a couple of colors they don't, which I think is very practical. Of course, you need that weird shade of purple and that hideous metallic, glitter concoction in case you're ever asked to be a bride's maid in a wedding with ugly purple, metallic dresses. I mean, it's an off chance, but you'd better hold on to it anyway. Because having things you don't need is practical, right? Let me put it this way, as long as you can easily count your nail polish, you don't have a problem. If you can no longer count your bottles of nail polish, you might have a problem, which brings me to...
Full Blown Nail Polish Addiction: To my great shame, this is me. A full blown nail polish addict owns more than 50 bottles of nail polish. Let me repeat, THIS IS ME. The problem with this level of nail polish addiction is that it has a tendency to spin out of control. Typically, if you're like me, you've bought about a third of your own nail polish. The problem is that once people find out that you like nail polish, they start giving it you as gifts and giving you the polish they don't use and all the sudden you have 50 bottles of nail polish. Before you know it, you've hit rock bottom and you're standing in Ulta looking at the $18 bottles of Butter London, picking out a shade of purple that is sort of like the ten other bottles of purple you have, but just a *little* different -- and much more expensive. At this point, you can't even get rid of colors because you've invested too much money in your collection, it seems wasteful to throw out more than 20 bottles of nail polish, and you don't have the energy to look at 75 bottles and pick out the colors you like and the ones you don't. That's when you've reached rock bottom and when you've reached rock bottom you have to start shopping for nail polish racks. In case you're wondering, I've reached rock bottom.
Crazy Polish: You reach this level of nail polish addiction when you have over 200 bottles of nail polish. When you have over 200 bottles of nail polish you no longer just have nail polish for personal use; you have a nail polish collection. No, strike that; you have the beginnings of a nail polish MUSEUM.
Don't create a nail polish mueseum, seek help. But don't seek help from me -- I'll be too busy buying more nail polish.
Just sayin'
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| True Happiness |
That may sound like an extreme statement, but based on my super accurate statistics that I have just made up, over 99% of females in the US own at least one bottle of nail polish. Some of them don't even know that they own nail polish, but it's there. It's hiding under your bed, in your medicine cabinet, stuffed in the back of your sock drawer, maybe even in a forlorn duffle bag stuffed in our closet somewhere. Even the women who don't like nail polish have nail polish: It's been given to them as gifts, inherited from friends, or, sometimes, it just spontaneously appears. If you're a female in this country, nail polish has infiltrated your life. Why, you might ask? Because it's unacceptable to have fingernails that are fingernail colored -- based on the rules I've just made up. So, no matter what you do or how much you try, nail polish will creep into your like, fill your soul, and CONSUME YOU.
Okay, maybe not the last one, but you might become a nail polish addict and, if you are, I'm about to create a helpful little chart to let you know where you stand.
Not Addicted to Nail Polish at All: These are the people who don't like nail polish, don't want to use nail polish but own nail polish anyway. It creeps into their lives and hides under their beds. One day, when it's owner is asleep, the nail polish will creep out and polish one, single nail. Then, it will go back to lurking under the bed. Remember, nail polish finds a way.
Nail Polish Minimalists: I've never actually met one of these people, but I know they're out there somewhere. These are the people who have just a few bottles of nail polish that they actually like and use. This is a different type of crazy. Who, of the humans who actually paint their nails, can subsist on less than ten colors?? I mean, we all have like five colors that we use almost exclusively, but we need the other 45 bottles for *cough* strategic nail painting purposes *cough.* The nail polish minimalists just get rid of all the colors they don't need/use. These people are what I like to call WRONG. Come on, you're telling me you don't need that bottle of pink glitter polish that you haven't used since 2008. You know you need it.
Practical Polishers: These are the bread-and-butter of nail polish users, the people with between 10 to 25 bottles of nail polish. This is a mild form of nail polish addiction; these people have colors that they actually use and a couple of colors they don't, which I think is very practical. Of course, you need that weird shade of purple and that hideous metallic, glitter concoction in case you're ever asked to be a bride's maid in a wedding with ugly purple, metallic dresses. I mean, it's an off chance, but you'd better hold on to it anyway. Because having things you don't need is practical, right? Let me put it this way, as long as you can easily count your nail polish, you don't have a problem. If you can no longer count your bottles of nail polish, you might have a problem, which brings me to...
Full Blown Nail Polish Addiction: To my great shame, this is me. A full blown nail polish addict owns more than 50 bottles of nail polish. Let me repeat, THIS IS ME. The problem with this level of nail polish addiction is that it has a tendency to spin out of control. Typically, if you're like me, you've bought about a third of your own nail polish. The problem is that once people find out that you like nail polish, they start giving it you as gifts and giving you the polish they don't use and all the sudden you have 50 bottles of nail polish. Before you know it, you've hit rock bottom and you're standing in Ulta looking at the $18 bottles of Butter London, picking out a shade of purple that is sort of like the ten other bottles of purple you have, but just a *little* different -- and much more expensive. At this point, you can't even get rid of colors because you've invested too much money in your collection, it seems wasteful to throw out more than 20 bottles of nail polish, and you don't have the energy to look at 75 bottles and pick out the colors you like and the ones you don't. That's when you've reached rock bottom and when you've reached rock bottom you have to start shopping for nail polish racks. In case you're wondering, I've reached rock bottom.
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| In case you were wondering, this is what a nail polish rack looks like -- and no, my nail polish would not fit on this contraption |
Don't create a nail polish mueseum, seek help. But don't seek help from me -- I'll be too busy buying more nail polish.
Just sayin'
Haha this definitely ranks as one of my favorite posts. I have faith that after a few birthdays and Christmases, you'll reach crazy polish status.
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