The Loch Ness Monster Strikes Back

Here's what I want to know: why is it acceptable for people to go on the internet and deny the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and then turn around and say that the plot of Jurassic Park is possible? As much as I would like a pet triceratops, it seems as though science has pretty successfully disproved the plot of Jurassic Park. (Let's all take a minute to shed a tear for the live-action version of Land Before Time that will never happen). The Loch Ness Monster, however, is totally real. Seriously, raptors that can open doors? That seems a little far fetched, don't you think? The idea of a modern day dinosaur just doesn't have the down-to-earth veracity of a slimy, cold blooded lake monster living in a cold and slimy lake. BTW,  I say slimy, cold blooded lake monster in the most loving way possible. In fact, I'm good friends with Nessie.  May I take a moment to remind you all that Nessie wrote into this very blog seven months ago? Actually, for that matter, I *conveniently* received a letter from Nessie just a few days ago that addresses just this subject (and yes, it arrived on paper that was very wet).

Dear World, 

How are you? I am well. The Loch is very cold and uncomfortable this time of year; it's lovely.  

So. I've been told that they are making a new moving picture about those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. (What is a park, by the way?) I do not know why you humans are interested in watching moving pictures about dinosaurs, but it saddens my heart (which has 5 chambers and is roughly the size of a harpsichord, in case you were wondering).

I knew some dinosaurs during the cretaceous period, and I found them to be quite disagreeable. They just didn't understand 'live and let live;' they were all about 'eat or be eaten.' Actually, I moved to the lake to avoid being eaten by those dinosaur cretins. I hope that you humans know that they wouldn't hesitate to eat you either. You may think that a T-Rex would be your friend, but you'd be wrong. Every T-Rex I've ever met has had anger issues. I mean, I would eat you too, but I would do it in a nice way.

But what I really don't understand is why humans believe that Jurassic Park is possible, but that I don't exist. Am I not a lake monster? If you cut me, do I not bleed? If I eat you, do you not scream? If dinosaurs can be real, why can't I be real???? I look real; I eat real things; I live in a real lake. I'm real cute! I'm good at existing -- I do it every day.  Dinosaurs aren't good at existing; that's why evolution made them stop. 

I mean, I lead a fulfilling life of eating tourists and scaring fish, but, sometimes, a little acknowledgment would be nice.  I would like to hear people saying "good job Nessie, you survived that extinction event beautifully," or "I really admire the way you've avoided blinking out of existence for all these years." It really hurts that everyone thinks that I'm imaginary. Humans treat me like I'm the Easter Bunny or something. I'm better than the Easter Bunny! I could eat the Easter Bunny if I wanted to, but I don't want to because the Easter Bunny isn't real! 

Even when I try to prove I exist, people don't believe me. I've had starring roles in Scooby Doo Meets the Loch Ness Monster and The Water Horse, but no one believes that I'm not CGI. Noooo -- all anyone wants to talk about is how good the raptors were in Jurassic Park. Talk about CGI! I hope everyone knows that they didn't do their own stunts.  Raptors haven't done their own stunts in three trillion billion years! 

Whatever.

Haters gonna hate, I guess. 

May your scales be slimy and your Loch be dismal. 

Salutations,

Nessie from Loch Ness
 AKA The Loch Ness Monster
 AKA The Creature of the Deep
 AKA The Eater of Whales
AKA The Notorious N.E.S.S.I.E
AKA *NSYNC's biggest fan

In case you were wondering, that was some strike back from Nessie.

Just sayin'