The Loch Ness Monster Diaries
Recently, my roommate started writing this story about a sassy, German vampire who hates Twilight. I'm very impressed with this story; I think it's should be an inspiration to anyone who seeks to write modern, Twilight disparaging literature. Anyway, after I read the story, I thought about it a bit and then I was like: "I should write something about the Loch Ness Monster", because Germans + Twilight = Lake Beast, as everyone knows.
Anyway, I've always felt a certain connection to the Loch Ness Monster. When I was a kid, I saw the Cartoon Network special Scooby Doo Meets the Loch Ness Monster, and I feel that that really gave me an insight into life as a lake monster. I mean, to be bested by a great dane, that must have been really tough for Nessie. I've also seen Water Horse and read the Wikipedia article on lake monsters.
...I'm basically an expert.
So, I decided to call over to Scotland and see if Nessie wanted to talk to me. It turns out that she's sort of shy about giving interviews (which is why no one has talked to her before), but when I explained about the whole Scooby Doo thing, she agreed to give me her diary so that the world could know what it was really like to be the Loch Ness monster, and let me tell you the lake life ain't easy. Fortunately, I speak the universal language of all lake monsters, so I was able to transcribe her journal here:
January 1, 1AD - Dear Diary, I can't believe it's year one already! It seems like just yesterday I was swimming around in the cretaceous period. Oh how the time flies! I have to remember to get my antlers sharpened - can't go around in a new millennium with dull antlers [for those of you who don't know that Loch Ness monster actually has horns, wings, and tentacles]! Maybe I'll swim up to the surface and eat someone to celebrate; fish are okay for BC, but now that it's AD I think it's time to switch to an all human and hollandaise sauce diet (that's my new millennium resolution). [The Loch Ness monster is a master of cream based condiments]
January 2, 1AD - Dear Diary, I am never eating human again! Don't they wash??? I swear, I'll have dirt in my teeth for weeks! Not to mention that the bones poke your throat when you try to swallow. Why do they have bones anyway? Who has bones anymore? Cartilage is the way to go. Why is it so hard to get a decent meal here? I came to Scotland because I thought they'd have shortbread. Turns out, no shortbread at all! It hasn't even been invented yet! What a rip off. [The Loch Ness monster has a sweet tooth]
March 4, 10 AD - Just got a letter from Cousin Champ in Vermont. Apparently the humans over there have already invented cornbread and maple syrup. He eats it all three meals a day. He's just waiting on the maple candy. I hope Champ gets so fat he has to move to a new lake.
June 15, 100 AD - Champ's side of the family is causing trouble again. His mom, Aunt Ogopogo, sent me a nude photograph and now Champ wants to have a duel over it. Plus, his sister, Memphre got pregnant with a Yeti. She's telling everyone that the father is a unicorn, but he's totally a Yeti. What is it with those new world lake monsters? Is it the maple syrup? I think it's the maple syrup. They give cryptozoology a bad name. [Nessie has a dysfunctional family]
August 30, 101 AD - It turns out the father was a unicorn, who woulda thunk it?
October 19, 900 AD - Memphre wants the unicorn kid to come live in Scotland. She's sending him over on a humpback whale. I hope the kid brings syrup. [Note: this is the real story of the national animal of Scotland]
November 27, 900 AD - The kid forgot the syrup. I hate my family.
October 14, 1066 - The Norman Conquest just finished up. #finally. I can't wait for the introduction of the omelette. I wonder if you can make quiche with fish eggs. [Most people don't know this, but Nessie invented the hashtag]
February 5, 1500 - the Scots finally invented shortbread. Huzzah!
July 23, 1747 - Memphre told everyone that I was having an affair with a married dragon from Wales. What a slut.
July 14, 1789 - Someone told me that today is Bastille Day. What's a Bastille? I bet it's slang for a lake monster who sleeps with a Yeti. Why would there be a day celebrating that.
July 20, 1789 - Someone explained Bastille Day to me #feelingstupid
May 18, 1999 - Champ sent me a Backstreet Boys CD for my birthday [this event was the catalyst of the famous Champ/Nessie reconciliation of 2000]. Those young men in white suits really get my blood pumping! #IWantItThatWay
March 21, 2000 - Someone dropped an *NSYNC CD in the lake.
April 2, 2000 - *NSYNC 4 LIFE!
May 15, 2000 - I wrote Champ a letter about how *NSYNC is much better than the Backstreet Boys. We're going to have another duel. #TearinUpMyHeart
July 14, 2000 - Ogopogo wrote me a letter about how in a fight between Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter, Nick Carter would win. I responded "Backstreet may be back, but *NSYNC never left". I thought that was pretty witty.
April 15, 2002 - *NSYNC is breaking up. Those new world lake monsters win! They always win! I hate being a lake monster. I'm going to go eat some German tourists now. People are much fatter and cleaner than they used to be. Maybe one of them will have some maple syrup. I'm over 2000 years old and I've never had maple syrup - lake monsterin' ain't easy.
Ain't it the truth.
Just sayin'
Anyway, I've always felt a certain connection to the Loch Ness Monster. When I was a kid, I saw the Cartoon Network special Scooby Doo Meets the Loch Ness Monster, and I feel that that really gave me an insight into life as a lake monster. I mean, to be bested by a great dane, that must have been really tough for Nessie. I've also seen Water Horse and read the Wikipedia article on lake monsters.
...I'm basically an expert.
So, I decided to call over to Scotland and see if Nessie wanted to talk to me. It turns out that she's sort of shy about giving interviews (which is why no one has talked to her before), but when I explained about the whole Scooby Doo thing, she agreed to give me her diary so that the world could know what it was really like to be the Loch Ness monster, and let me tell you the lake life ain't easy. Fortunately, I speak the universal language of all lake monsters, so I was able to transcribe her journal here:
January 1, 1AD - Dear Diary, I can't believe it's year one already! It seems like just yesterday I was swimming around in the cretaceous period. Oh how the time flies! I have to remember to get my antlers sharpened - can't go around in a new millennium with dull antlers [for those of you who don't know that Loch Ness monster actually has horns, wings, and tentacles]! Maybe I'll swim up to the surface and eat someone to celebrate; fish are okay for BC, but now that it's AD I think it's time to switch to an all human and hollandaise sauce diet (that's my new millennium resolution). [The Loch Ness monster is a master of cream based condiments]
January 2, 1AD - Dear Diary, I am never eating human again! Don't they wash??? I swear, I'll have dirt in my teeth for weeks! Not to mention that the bones poke your throat when you try to swallow. Why do they have bones anyway? Who has bones anymore? Cartilage is the way to go. Why is it so hard to get a decent meal here? I came to Scotland because I thought they'd have shortbread. Turns out, no shortbread at all! It hasn't even been invented yet! What a rip off. [The Loch Ness monster has a sweet tooth]
March 4, 10 AD - Just got a letter from Cousin Champ in Vermont. Apparently the humans over there have already invented cornbread and maple syrup. He eats it all three meals a day. He's just waiting on the maple candy. I hope Champ gets so fat he has to move to a new lake.
June 15, 100 AD - Champ's side of the family is causing trouble again. His mom, Aunt Ogopogo, sent me a nude photograph and now Champ wants to have a duel over it. Plus, his sister, Memphre got pregnant with a Yeti. She's telling everyone that the father is a unicorn, but he's totally a Yeti. What is it with those new world lake monsters? Is it the maple syrup? I think it's the maple syrup. They give cryptozoology a bad name. [Nessie has a dysfunctional family]
August 30, 101 AD - It turns out the father was a unicorn, who woulda thunk it?
October 19, 900 AD - Memphre wants the unicorn kid to come live in Scotland. She's sending him over on a humpback whale. I hope the kid brings syrup. [Note: this is the real story of the national animal of Scotland]
November 27, 900 AD - The kid forgot the syrup. I hate my family.
October 14, 1066 - The Norman Conquest just finished up. #finally. I can't wait for the introduction of the omelette. I wonder if you can make quiche with fish eggs. [Most people don't know this, but Nessie invented the hashtag]
February 5, 1500 - the Scots finally invented shortbread. Huzzah!
July 23, 1747 - Memphre told everyone that I was having an affair with a married dragon from Wales. What a slut.
July 14, 1789 - Someone told me that today is Bastille Day. What's a Bastille? I bet it's slang for a lake monster who sleeps with a Yeti. Why would there be a day celebrating that.
July 20, 1789 - Someone explained Bastille Day to me #feelingstupid
May 18, 1999 - Champ sent me a Backstreet Boys CD for my birthday [this event was the catalyst of the famous Champ/Nessie reconciliation of 2000]. Those young men in white suits really get my blood pumping! #IWantItThatWay
March 21, 2000 - Someone dropped an *NSYNC CD in the lake.
April 2, 2000 - *NSYNC 4 LIFE!
May 15, 2000 - I wrote Champ a letter about how *NSYNC is much better than the Backstreet Boys. We're going to have another duel. #TearinUpMyHeart
July 14, 2000 - Ogopogo wrote me a letter about how in a fight between Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter, Nick Carter would win. I responded "Backstreet may be back, but *NSYNC never left". I thought that was pretty witty.
April 15, 2002 - *NSYNC is breaking up. Those new world lake monsters win! They always win! I hate being a lake monster. I'm going to go eat some German tourists now. People are much fatter and cleaner than they used to be. Maybe one of them will have some maple syrup. I'm over 2000 years old and I've never had maple syrup - lake monsterin' ain't easy.
Ain't it the truth.
Just sayin'
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