When You're Being a Sassasaurus Rex
So, a little while ago, my roommate and I developed something that we feel the world is in desperate need of: a sass odometer. A sass odometer is sort of like a richter scale for sassiness. Simply put, it is a way of ranking sassy comments based on three factors: overall sassiness, sass saturation, and intention to sass.
This semester, while some were studying rhetoric and others were studying literature, we were studying sass.
We've got sass down to a science.
This is because, when you're in college, people will sass you more than they ever have in your entire life. It's four years of constant sass attack!
You'll be in the convenience store, just buying a cliff bar, when one of your friends will be like "you're eating a cliff bar...I can't eat those; I'm trying to cut back on calories".
BAM! Sass attack!
Then, you'll be in the dining hall, eating taco salad for lunch (because you always eat taco salad for lunch), when someone (who's eating pizza, BTW), says 'you know, if you eat the same thing every day, you'll never lose weight'.
Sass attack again! That one didn't even make sense!
These are examples of ordinary sass attacks. On the sass odometer, such a sass attack is ranked at level one. It's like when you post a picture of yourself on Facebook and someone comments and says 'wow, your hair actually looks so good', it's hurtful, but not particularly original.
Most girls master the basic sass attack by age seven; it's nothing fancy. The sassafras attack takes it up a level. In order for something to be labeled sassafras, it has to be both extremely sassy and completely uncalled for and unexpected; it should also be unusually cruel and/or hurtful. Sassafras is level 5 on the sass odometer (in case you were wondering, there is no level 2-4 on the sass odometer; we're English majors and we're not that good at counting).
A sassafras attack is like the blitzkrieg of sass.
For example, you tell a joke. The person you're telling the joke to doesn't respond right away. Then, like 10 minutes later, they're like "oh, I just got that." And you're like "what are you talking about? that joke I told 10 minutes ago?" And they're like "yeah, I just got it; sorry we can't all be perfect like you."
That's a total sneak attack sassafras!
Or, when you have dinner with some extended family and you offer to wipe the table after the meal, and they're all like "oh, no, I'll do that, it's a nice table."Wow. That is serious sassafras. Sassafras is always more unexpected when you're trying to be helpful, but it has nothing on guerrilla
warfare sasafras.
Guerrilla sassafras is when you're shopping with a friend and you pick up a pair of pants, and they're like "really, you wear that size? I thought you wore the next size up." In case you're unaware, in girl world, sassafras of this nature is grounds for a sass counterattack, which, in this case, would be something like: "Really? I thought that was your pant size." After that, you have to get out of that store right away, because stuff is about to get real.
However, there is another level of sass above sassafras: the Sassasaurus Rex.
The Sassasaurus Rex is a level of sass that no one should ever attempt for any reason whatsoever. Instances of Sassasaurus Rex include, but are not limited to:
Don't swallow boats; don't sass your friends about *NSYNC.
Just sayin'
This semester, while some were studying rhetoric and others were studying literature, we were studying sass.
We've got sass down to a science.
This is because, when you're in college, people will sass you more than they ever have in your entire life. It's four years of constant sass attack!
You'll be in the convenience store, just buying a cliff bar, when one of your friends will be like "you're eating a cliff bar...I can't eat those; I'm trying to cut back on calories".
BAM! Sass attack!
Then, you'll be in the dining hall, eating taco salad for lunch (because you always eat taco salad for lunch), when someone (who's eating pizza, BTW), says 'you know, if you eat the same thing every day, you'll never lose weight'.
Sass attack again! That one didn't even make sense!
These are examples of ordinary sass attacks. On the sass odometer, such a sass attack is ranked at level one. It's like when you post a picture of yourself on Facebook and someone comments and says 'wow, your hair actually looks so good', it's hurtful, but not particularly original.
Most girls master the basic sass attack by age seven; it's nothing fancy. The sassafras attack takes it up a level. In order for something to be labeled sassafras, it has to be both extremely sassy and completely uncalled for and unexpected; it should also be unusually cruel and/or hurtful. Sassafras is level 5 on the sass odometer (in case you were wondering, there is no level 2-4 on the sass odometer; we're English majors and we're not that good at counting).
A sassafras attack is like the blitzkrieg of sass.
For example, you tell a joke. The person you're telling the joke to doesn't respond right away. Then, like 10 minutes later, they're like "oh, I just got that." And you're like "what are you talking about? that joke I told 10 minutes ago?" And they're like "yeah, I just got it; sorry we can't all be perfect like you."
That's a total sneak attack sassafras!
Or, when you have dinner with some extended family and you offer to wipe the table after the meal, and they're all like "oh, no, I'll do that, it's a nice table."Wow. That is serious sassafras. Sassafras is always more unexpected when you're trying to be helpful, but it has nothing on guerrilla
warfare sasafras.
Guerrilla sassafras is when you're shopping with a friend and you pick up a pair of pants, and they're like "really, you wear that size? I thought you wore the next size up." In case you're unaware, in girl world, sassafras of this nature is grounds for a sass counterattack, which, in this case, would be something like: "Really? I thought that was your pant size." After that, you have to get out of that store right away, because stuff is about to get real.
However, there is another level of sass above sassafras: the Sassasaurus Rex.
The Sassasaurus Rex is a level of sass that no one should ever attempt for any reason whatsoever. Instances of Sassasaurus Rex include, but are not limited to:
- Dissing Justin Timberlake and/or the collected works of *NSYNC
- Refusing to watch a Disney movie because you're an "adult" (P.S. we all know that you're just scared of the evil queen in Snow White)
- Giving a slash grade on a paper - no one knows what A-/B+ means
- When you only bring one blue book to an exam and your professor is like: "I thought I asked everyone to bring at least 2 blue books; I want thoughtful responses"
- Making fun of Dobby from Harry Potter; he died for Harry, show some frickin' respect
- Not singing along when a P!nk song comes on the radio; everyone knows that you know the words
Don't swallow boats; don't sass your friends about *NSYNC.
Just sayin'
The sass loch ness monster is always on the verge of attack...also, I adore these examples.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Unfortunately they were all from real life :P
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