Questions for Actual Cannibal Shia LeBoeuf: Shia Surprise

Recently, I was introduced to the beautiful song/video Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. I know what you're thinking: Why? How? What? I don't know, but it's quite possibly one of the best things on the Internet. No, scratch that, the BEST thing on the Internet. I mean, when you watch the video, you're like: "Shia LaBeouf isn't that weird, is he? No wait, he actually is." I like Shia LaBeouf as much as the next person; Holes was a great movie -- so was Fury, but you can't deny, he's really, really weird.

I showed this video to one of my friends and she was like "what? what is this? I need some context here?" Now, I don't need context for this video, because I have no expectations of Shia LaBeouf except that he continue to be the zebra-of-weirdness that is Shia LaBeouf. However, I understand that other people need context, so I've decided offer an explanation for Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf.

So, the first weird thing about this video/song is the setting. The song says "you're walking through the woods and your phone is dead." Why are you walking through the woods? That seems a bit odd, right? Well, obviously you're in the woods because you're looking for your pet zebra, Ralph -- who Shia LaBeouf set loose so that you'd have to look for him (sneaky Shia).

So why are you in a rural area with Shia LaBeouf? Well, if you recall, later in the song, it is mentioned that you can do jiu jitsu. So, obviously, you're a jiu jitsu instructor on a jiu jitsu retreat in the woods with Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf isn't actually interested in jiu jitsu, he just thought you looked delicious, so he tricked you into being his jiu jitsu instructor.

It's all part of his cannibal plot. Jiu jitsu instructors, according to Shia, are the best for eating. So, why is Shia LaBeouf a cannibal? Well, it's very simple. His surname, LaBeouf, means 'the beef' in French. So, obviously, Shia identifies as a cow. As a cow, he is outraged that humans eat his friends, so he retaliates by eating humans. It's all very logical if you think about it.

Personally, I think that the name Shia is better suited for a horse than a cow. If I had enough money, I would buy a racehorse and name him Shia Surprise. Shia Surprise would win the triple crown, but only if Shia LaBeouf was the jockey. I feel like I could make that happen.

But the real question is: if you're a jiu jitsu instructor, why do you have a pet zebra? Easy. It's a therapy zebra. Does he want to eat Ralph the zebra; unfortunately, there's not a song about that.

Just sayin'