As Far as I'm Concerned, Pluto is a Planet and a Brontosaurus is a Dinosaur: A Short Play

The other day I was walking outside at night and I noticed a really bright star and I thought, "huh, maybe that's a planet...maybe that's Venus...or Pluto." Now, I know you can't really see Pluto in the night sky, but, as far as I'm concerned, Pluto is still a planet. I listen to scientists about most things, like global warming and zika virus, but I'm choosing to ignore science here. Pluto is a planet and that's final. It's like, if I see a long necked dinosaur in a museum, I'm going to call in a Brontosaurus. People will be like, "oh no, it's a scientific name-latin-thingymajig," and I'll be like "yeah, yeah, it looks like a Brontosaurus to me."

That's how I feel about Pluto.

Like, if we had to get rid of a planet, why did it have to be Pluto? It should have been Uranus. Uranus is a joke anyway. Pluto was a good planet. A serious planet. I feel that making it into a dwarf planet wasn't fair to Pluto. So, I've decided to give Pluto a chance to give Pluto's perspective.  I've decided to write a short play.

***

A therapist's office. Enter Pluto and a therapist (who is a Brontosaurus). The therapist sits on a leather armchair; Pluto lays down on a red sofa. 

Therapist: So, Pluto how are you doing this week?

Pluto: I'm doing okay...it was a tough week, you know?

Therapist: How so?

Pluto: Well, I was watching television and Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer came on...have I ever told you how much I respect Rudolph?

The Brontosaurus therapist takes out a notebook.

Therapist: No, why don't you tell me about that.

Pluto: When I was a young space rock, floating around the Andromeda Galaxy, I used to watch Rudolph on television. I always wanted to be just like him, you know?

The therapist nods and writes something down.

Therapist: So you wanted to be a reindeer when you grew up?

Pluto: I did! I guess it's because all of the other planets make fun of me all the time. Saturn used to come up to me and say things like, "hey, Pluto, you're so small and cold. It's like you're the smallest and coldest planet in the solar system." That really hurt, you know? I couldn't join in any reindeer games.

Therapist: ...But you're a planet.

Pluto: I know that! It's a meteor...I mean metaphor! I'm talking about planet games!

Therapist: Calm down, let's not get upset.

Pluto: Sorry, it's just that I always wanted Santa to ask me to lead his slay..I guess that'll never happen now, seeing as I'm not a planet anymore.

Therapist: Wait what? Is the sun santa? Are you trying to tell me that gravity is directed by a reindeer with a red nose. I don't get it.

Pluto: *Sigh* I guess, It's not important anymore.

Therapist: Pluto, I have a story to tell you. Do you know what I am?

Pluto: Um...a giant scaly lizard? You're not a reindeer are you?

Therapist: No, I'm not Brontosaurus.

Pluto: Isn't that a disease you get in your throat?

Therapist sighs. 

Therapist: No, I'm a dinosaur. Or...I was...until scientists told me that I didn't exist anymore.

Pluto gasps. 

Therapist: *Nods* So, I know what you're going through. You know what I learned? I learned that you're only as much of a Apatosaurus as you feel, and you're only as much of a dwarf planet as you feel, Pluto. Why are you listening to the scientists? Don't listen to the scientists, don't listen to Saturn, listen to the red-nosed reindeer in your heart.

Pluto: That sounds like a good plan, but...I'm a space rock; I don't have a heart. 

Therapist: Huh. In that case, maybe you are a dwarf planet. 

***

Just sayin'

Note: I know that the Brontosaurus is back to being a dinosaur, but it wasn't for a long time, so...still funny.