Henry VIII Would Have Loved Justin Timberlake
 |
| No One Appreciates Me! |
Like, the frightening truth is that history is full of cultures and nations that wouldn't have liked JT. I, for one, am EXTREMELY glad that we have progressed as a species.
Do you think the Romans would have appreciated SexyBack? No! They would have been like "um...we're bringing Caesar back."
Do you think the vikings would have listened to Suit & Tie? No! Vikings didn't wear suits! In fact, they were probably pillaging all the people who wore suits and ties. If you turn up in a suit and tie in a viking town, you're liable to get the blood eagle. If you don't know what a blood eagle is, go look it up on Urban Dictionary and then come back here and try to tell me that you're not profoundly grateful that people are now able to wear black tie without the fear of being brutally murdered.
One historical figure who I think would have appreciated Justin Timberlake is Henry VIII. Like, Henry VIII was a violent and narcissistic sociopath who probably suffered from gout and syphilis (but really, didn't everyone have syphilis before the year 1700? Yay for penicillin!), but I think he would have understood where JT was coming from. I mean, as far as Henry was concerned, he brought sexy back to England. (Although, Thomas More and the Pope may have disagreed).
 |
| She's Got Him Love Stoned! |
Like, someone would have walked up to Henry VIII and been like: "my king, why are you divorcing Katherine of Aragon for Anne Boylen?" And Henry would have been like: "she's got me love stoned and I think that she knows! I think that she knows!" One can just imagine Henry VIII (as played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, of course) listening to Cry Me a River as he watched his executioner behead Anne Boylen. Then, like 10 seconds later, walking up to Jane Seymour and being all "I wanna rock your body!"
George Washington, on the other hand, would have had NO enthusiasm WHAT SO EVER for anyone trying to rock his body. Which, I suppose, is why the president is not the head of the church in America (#CreatingTheChurchOfEnglandSoYouCanDivorceYourWife).
George Washington would have been like, "who is this young man in baggy pants and why is he dancing around instead of productively chopping down cherry trees like a normal person?" Like, I feel like he would have had zero patience for boy bands in general or, for that matter fun. GW was a good president and he won the war against the British and everything, but he was like one of those people who was like: "the last time I had fun, I had to have my teeth replaced with wood and ivory; therefore, no FUN will be allowed EVER." I think Benjamin Franklin would have liked JT though; but he definitely had syphilis and he was never the president (despite the fact that he's on money -- why?), so I don't know what to think about that.
JFK is another president who I think would have appreciated JT. (I mean, if there was ever an every-president-who-ever-lived reunion, JFK would definitely be sitting at the cool table -- you know who wouldn't be sitting at the cool table? William Henry Harrison). Unfortunately, JFK was president around the same time that everyone was freaking out about Elvis's dance moves. I mean, if people were offended by a little hip-wiggling, what would they have done with the music video for Rock Your Body ?????
(But more importantly, what would they have done with Miley Cyrus?)
Just sayin'
Comments
Post a Comment