Beauty Tips from the Loch Ness Monster
As many of you know, I have an unhealthy obsession with cosmetic products, but that's okay because I'm not alone. The Loch Ness Monster also has an unhealthy obsession with cosmetics -- it turns out, it really isn't easy to be green. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to hear what the Loch Ness Monster has to say about current beauty trends -- Nessie is, after all, the world's foremost underwater makeup artist. Fortunately for all of us, Nessie has taken the time to write out her best beauty tips because, really, who doesn't want to have the Lake Monster look (I hear it's all the rage in Paris).
1) Storage: Storage is the most important part of your cosmetic collection. If you don't store your makeup, it will probably get eaten by a lake shark or something like that (JK, there are no more lake sharks -- I ate them!) I like to keep my makeup in a shallow cave at the bottom of the lake. It's a good place to keep makeup because all of the sludge and silt keeps your lipstick from drying out. Unfortunately, I understand that most humans do not have their own lake caves. Never fear! You can also keep your makeup in a box made of plastic or a bag made of cloth -- I don't think those options come with sludge though!
2) Where to Purchase: The most common questions other sea monsters ask me is where I get my makeup. That's an excellent question! I used to buy my cosmetic products in Atlantis, but they've been out of business for a few thousand years and Ulta doesn't ship to the bottom of the lake (a great injustice I've tried to remedy with a strongly-worded letter), so I've started making my own makeup. A lot of people don't realize that you can do this at home, but it's really very easy. In fact, I have a very easy recipe for nail polish: Step one, find a fish. Step two, munch on the fish until the blood, guts, bone marrow, and eye juice run down your face. Step three, rub your fins on your face until they are thoroughly coated in the mixture. Step four, voila!
3) Finding your Color: It's important to figure out which colors best accentuate your natural beauty. For example, I have green scales, so I tend to stay away from the color red. After all, I'm not the Loch Christmas monster! However, I do find that ground seaweed and algae make a very nice foundation that will give you a natural, greenish glow. For lips and eyes, I like to use purple -- a color that you can very easily dilute from sea urchin guts. I think purple is simply lovely on all monster-type skin tones. However, if you're more of a human color, pinks, reds, and corals will probably work better for you.
4) Highlighting: Like everyone else, I've been really into the illuminating trends that have been going on in the world of cosmetics lately. Fortunately for me, I have a simply marvelous slime coat which gleams in the sunlight. I understand that a lot of humans like to use powder illuminators; however, when I want to have extra highlight, I simply find a clam or an oyster and spread its juices all over my face. Plus, when you're done, you can eat the clam!
5) Skin Care: In order to look your best, you have to take care of your skin! I recommend soaking in lake water for about twenty hours a day. If you don't have lake water, regular water will do, but it won't have the same fishy smell. I also like to roll around in lake sludge (my go to product!) to deeply moisturize my scales.
If you follow all these tips, you'll be as pretty as a dolphin in no time!
Just sayin'
1) Storage: Storage is the most important part of your cosmetic collection. If you don't store your makeup, it will probably get eaten by a lake shark or something like that (JK, there are no more lake sharks -- I ate them!) I like to keep my makeup in a shallow cave at the bottom of the lake. It's a good place to keep makeup because all of the sludge and silt keeps your lipstick from drying out. Unfortunately, I understand that most humans do not have their own lake caves. Never fear! You can also keep your makeup in a box made of plastic or a bag made of cloth -- I don't think those options come with sludge though!
2) Where to Purchase: The most common questions other sea monsters ask me is where I get my makeup. That's an excellent question! I used to buy my cosmetic products in Atlantis, but they've been out of business for a few thousand years and Ulta doesn't ship to the bottom of the lake (a great injustice I've tried to remedy with a strongly-worded letter), so I've started making my own makeup. A lot of people don't realize that you can do this at home, but it's really very easy. In fact, I have a very easy recipe for nail polish: Step one, find a fish. Step two, munch on the fish until the blood, guts, bone marrow, and eye juice run down your face. Step three, rub your fins on your face until they are thoroughly coated in the mixture. Step four, voila!
3) Finding your Color: It's important to figure out which colors best accentuate your natural beauty. For example, I have green scales, so I tend to stay away from the color red. After all, I'm not the Loch Christmas monster! However, I do find that ground seaweed and algae make a very nice foundation that will give you a natural, greenish glow. For lips and eyes, I like to use purple -- a color that you can very easily dilute from sea urchin guts. I think purple is simply lovely on all monster-type skin tones. However, if you're more of a human color, pinks, reds, and corals will probably work better for you.
4) Highlighting: Like everyone else, I've been really into the illuminating trends that have been going on in the world of cosmetics lately. Fortunately for me, I have a simply marvelous slime coat which gleams in the sunlight. I understand that a lot of humans like to use powder illuminators; however, when I want to have extra highlight, I simply find a clam or an oyster and spread its juices all over my face. Plus, when you're done, you can eat the clam!
5) Skin Care: In order to look your best, you have to take care of your skin! I recommend soaking in lake water for about twenty hours a day. If you don't have lake water, regular water will do, but it won't have the same fishy smell. I also like to roll around in lake sludge (my go to product!) to deeply moisturize my scales.
If you follow all these tips, you'll be as pretty as a dolphin in no time!
Just sayin'
Ulta should definitely ship to Nessie. What an injustice!
ReplyDeleteI know, right?
Delete