Spoiler Alert: The Pandas are Our Over Lords

So, in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, there's this subplot where the mice secretly created planet earth as one big experiment so that they could observe the way human culture developed. I've always been a little skeptical of this idea. I  mean, if mice were really ruling the world, would they be living in floor boards and getting killed by cats? That seems a little far fetched to me. No, I have it figured out, the pandas are our true over lords.

You may laugh at this theory. You may say, "but what about the dolphins? Surely the dolphins are smarter than the pandas?" Well, when was the last time you saw a panda get stuck in a tuna net?

If you think about it, it's really quite logical. When was the last time you saw a panda lift anything heavier than a piece of bamboo? Just about every panda on the planet has a team of a least three panda keepers and panda vets around them at all times. Pandas don't have to find their own food, clean their own dens, care for their own cubs, or even build their own panda houses. Plus, let's be real, they get better medical care than most Americans. Most of them even have air conditioning in their dens. I'm a human, and I have to walk over to the public library if I want air conditioning!

It's time to face the facts: the pandas have enslaved us and we don't even know it!

What does this all have to do with the experiment, you may ask? Well, the pandas have been clever, but not clever enough. The observers of the experiment couldn't risk extinction, so, naturally, pandas had to make themselves impervious to extinction. Voila! There is no species on earth that human beings care about conserving more than the pandas. People spends millions of dollars every year taking care of pandas. They're basically monarchs of the planet. When the pandas came to Washington DC, they stopped traffic for the panda motorcade. Let me say that again, the panda MOTORCADE. Not to mention that every time a new panda is born there is rejoicing in the streets. The last time a baby panda was born in America, the first lady of China came half way around the world to visit him. If there was a nuclear holocaust, we'd probably save the pandas before we saved the president!

Of course, all of this is part of an elaborate rouse. For the first few million years of earth's history, the pandas watched us from the bamboo forests but, recently, they decided that they needed a closer look. Thus, they traveled to zoos. Zoos are the perfect place for pandas to mix with humans inconspicuously.  When you go to the zoo, you may think that you're watching the panda -- that's incorrect, the panda is watching you.

There is a master species. Its name is panda.

Just sayin'