So, last night I saw Breaking Dawn part 2.
Now, normally, this would be where I would be all "warning: contains spoilers"; but, I'm not going to say that because, if you're a real Twilight fan, I figure you'll see it anyway, no matter what I say. Besides, if you're a real fan, you were probably at the midnight premier and you read the books, so you know what happens anyway. So, it doesn't even matter, and, if you're not a fan, then you definitely don't care. Personally, I'm in the category of people who appreciate the Twilight films for the works of comedy that they are.
 |
| She does not look like a child |
But there were a few things were just really weird. First of all, baby Renesmee did not look like a baby. You would think that one ultra-hot vampire and a supposedly attractive human would be able to produce a baby that did not look like a martian squirrel. I mean, I understand that she's a special baby and she grows quickly but that doesn't mean that she suddenly morphed into a chipmunk. Little kid Renesmee looks more like an actual child, maybe because the actress is an actual child, but she still has this mini-Barbie doll face that looks really weird on a little kid. And adult Renesmee is even worse; it looked like they took the picture of little kid Renesmee and just stretched it to make her look taller and it was like, "hi, I'm grown up Renesmee and I grew up to have sex with Taylor Lautner". Cool story bro.
 |
| That is not a wolf! |
Speaking of bad special effects, the Twilight franchise has this idea in their minds that werewolves are supposed to look like mutant bear-cougars or something because they certainly, certainly do not look like wolves. Now, I'm aware that they're supposed to be big and that's okay, but the werewolves in this movie look like they crawled out of some radioactive lake! Not to mention that Jacob is the only wolf you see in the entire movie that is in his human form. I assume that they're trying to save money on actors, but seriously! It doesn't work to substitute computer generated images for actual people, especially when the computer has been told to design a furry elephant, not a wolf. It's mutant rodent baby all over again!
Not to mention that, for the person the whole movie revolves around, Renesmee speaks maybe twice in the entire film. Now, this is a problem the Twilight films have had before; they seem to have developed their own language whereby they communicate through their pained expressions. Kristen Stewart just parts her lips slightly and wrinkles her forehead and everyone knows what she's thinking: "gee, I hope they have mountain lion blood". Now, I know that Renesmee can just communicate by showing people her thoughts, but seriously, I can count the lines of dialogue in this movie on one hand.
 |
| Hahahaha |
But the best part of the movie is definitely the end. I really enjoyed the fiery chasm of death. I mean, that was funny, that was really funny. The whole fight scene was just hilarious, especially when someone gets their head ripped off. It's always great to see the expression the disembodied head makes. It's usually something like: "gasp! why is my body way over there". Then they get lit on fire and I laugh. I think they could have ended the movie there and that would have been okay because, let me tell you something, the end of Breaking Dawn is the biggest anticlimax in the history of anticlimaxes. They spend the whole book preparing for a battle and then the Volturi are just like "well, nothing amiss here, we're just going to go back to Italy and eat some pasta". Just kidding, vampires don't eat pasta. But seriously, the ending is just like well, that was fun, now let's get back to our boring life of staring at each other with pained expressions. It's even worse in the book; it's like "I just read 300 pages for no reason whatsoever. Awesome".
 |
| Evil Face: Dakota Fanning |
Not to say that I don't like the Volturi because, actually, the Volturi are the best vampires in the entire movie because they actually behave like vampires, they're just deranged and blood thirsty and they don't care. It's great; I think that if the Volturi had a theme song it would be "Evil and I Know It" (I know that's not a song, but it should be). They're just so evil! I mean, they have no redeeming qualities and isn't that what you want in a vampire? Edward has so many redeeming qualities it makes me sick! I especially like Volturi Dakota Fanning. I'm a big Dakota Fanning fan and I have to remark that, in this movie, she just looks like a giant, evil lady bug. I think it's the big red eyes and all that black clothing. I approve. I mean, Dakota Fanning is the same age as me and every single day I just sit around and wish that I could look like as much of a sadistic, blood sucking insect as she does. But actually.
That's what a vampire should be.
Just sayin'
Comments
Post a Comment