Harry Potter Hair

So, I have this theory that literary villains always have the best hair.

It seems to me that evil emits this low grade, humidity sapping energy that keeps hair from frizzing. A I think the Harry Potter films prove this. It's like, frizz is to conscientious to go running around with people like Voldemort. Actually, hair as a species is too conscientious to go running around with Voldemort which is why he doesn't have any.

Think about it, in the books Harry is introduced as having hair that never lies flat. You see, Harry's hair is standing up straight with righteousness. (In the movies it's a different story because, while his hair looks like that for like the first 4-ish movies, after that, it gets weird and flat and it sort of looks like he has a bowl cut. Which, is bad hair in it's own, special way).

Hermione is the same way. I mean, her hair is so frizzy that I think it's combined width is thicker than her waist. Her hair was so puffy because it was full of knowledge. At least, it was like that during the first two movies and from the third movie on, she gets all weird and straight haired, but I blame Warner Brothers for that. I do not put up with hair plagiarism.

Out of the three of them, I would say that Ron is the only one who actually has the sort of hair he's supposed to. Ron is a hair conundrum, because, besides being violently orange, his hair is pretty nondescript. It's not particularly messy and not particularly neat, perhaps in the interest of foreshadowing his temporary defection in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He does however have a rather atrocious case of bed-head throughout the entirety of the last five movies. Also, he is a ginger.

The point is, I wouldn't wish any of their hair on myself. I don't know about the rest of the universe, but I have always had tremendous affection for Lucious Malfoy's hair. It's just so sleek and long and, well, evil. I mean, hair that perfect doesn't come from eating your vegetables and writing thank you notes. It comes from washing your hair with 'I-eat-muggles-for-breakfast' shampoo.

Draco is the same way. Like, his hair lies so flat, you can almost feel the satanic energy holding it down. This is especially true of the first two movies, where his hair is all slicked back. His hair gets a little messier in the sixth movie, where he is struggling with his conscience about killing Dumbledore. You can almost see Voldemort and Dumbledore standing on top of his head. Voldemort's saying things like "Draco, listen to me, I don't have a nose. A person without a nose wouldn't lie to you, would they? That would be nosy". Dumbledore would be saying things like "Draco, murder is serious business, wouldn't you rather have a lemon drop? Or some socks?". Draco, of course, would be like "um, guys, can you get off my head? You're a little heavy and people are starting to look at me funny". That's what you call a bad hair day.

But usually, Draco is the king of hair. That's why, in the first movie, when Draco was all like "you don't want to get mixed up with the wrong sort of wizard, Harry", Harry was all like "I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks", Harry was looking at Draco's hair. Harry was thinking 'it looks like he uses conditioner, I'm going to back away slowly'.

That's why his name is Harry Potter, he's hairy. He can look at someone's hair and right away tell what kind of person they are. That's probably why he has so much trouble with Voldemort. When Harry sees all that baldness, he probably just freaks out. His scar (hair sensing device) is just like 'where's the hair? I can't see any hair. Oh no.".

But usually, Harry's hair instincts are dead on. Villain hair is pretty easy to spot. Which is why you can forgive his confusion about Snape. Snape's hair is a mystery wrapped in grease. I mean, you can really go back and forth about it. On the one hand, he totally has the Malfoy haircut going on, but at the same time, it's all lank and gross. Snape is an individual in desperate need of volumeizing shampoo and some highlights. But, usually, it's sort of easy to tell who's the villain and who's the good guy. You know how Shakespeare says the soul of a man is in his clothes, while I'm saying it's in his hair.

Like, I knew right away when I read the third book, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, that Sirius was going to be a good guy because they described him as having messy hair. I was like "hm, messy hair, I think I like this guy". Of course, Petter Petigrew also has messy hair, which might be why Ron took to him so much. So, the messy hair rule is not a hard and fast law. But Pettigrew was a bit of an exception. He had everyone fooled. Of course, he was a rat, so that probably should have tipped someone off. Oh well.

Just sayin'