What Really Happened to Cedric Digory (The True Origin of the Twilight Series)

So, I was rewatching the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie the other day and I started to develop a theory. Cedric Diggory dies at the end of the movie in the graveyard, right? Well, what if he wasn't really dead. What if he just became [duh, duh, dun] a vampire. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just discovered the true origin of Edward Cullen.

My first clue was that Robert Pattinson played both characters in the film adaptations. You think Robert Pattinson played Edward Cullen because he likes Twilight? You're dead wrong. Robert Pattinson hates Twilight! The only reason he did Twilight was out of loyalty to Cedric's story line. Granted, it's one of the more bizarre character arcs in the Harry Potter series, but J.K. Rowling is richer than the Queen; she doesn't have to make sense.

Here's what happened to Cedric:

So, first off, Voldemort kills Cedric. Now, a lot of people think that Voldemort killed Cedric because Voldemort is just evil, but the truth is that Voldemort killed Cedric for a very specific reason. Think back to the seen of the crime. When Voldemort ordered Cedric's death he said, "kill the spare". Spare actually stands for Super Preppy and Rebarbative Entity. If there's one thing Voldemort can't stand its peppiness. This is mostly because Voldemort is the ultimate hipster (he has a shaved head, a snake nose, and wears long black dresses; think about it). Voldemort just hates all those pastel colored polo shirts and cotton Dockers, how posh can you get! Not to mention that Cedric was a Prefect, the ultimate preppy position. But, at the same time, I think Voldemort was also a little scared of Cedric. The problem was that Cedric was just so cool. He was easily the coolest guy at Hogwarts, honestly. That sort of concentrated coolness can be intimidating to uncool people, like Voldemort. Voldemort doesn't have a nose, you have to remember that, and when  you don't have a nose, all the people with noses seem much cooler than you. That's a problem for Voldemort because, if you want to rule the world, you have to be the coolest person around. Otherwise, why would you be the ruler of the world. #Logic.

Anyway, after Voldemort killed Cedric, Cedric became a vampire. That's not much of a stretch because he did briefly become a ghost when Harry and Voldemort were dueling. Also, it usually takes more than one try to kill an attractive person; that's why there are so many beautiful vampires on True Blood  and why they had to hire both Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise for Interview with the Vampire. It's got something to do with the molecules of attractive people being better and more molecule-ish than the molecules of other people. IDK, it's too much science for me. So, the first death didn't take for Cedric and he became a vampire. Now, once he became a vampire, he had to go on the lam because if Voldemort found out that the first death didn't take, he would obviously kill Cedric again.

Cedric's a Hufflepuff, so he's not the smartest. So, when he had to create an undercover identity, he really screwed it up. Instead of choosing to be a super cool, millionaire with a pet tiger, he decided to become a boring, boring, boring vampire who likes to play the piano and eat grizzly bears and not drink blood and never play Quidditch. Not even Cedric likes his alter ego. He just figured that if he made his life as terrible as possible, Voldemort would never suspect that he was Cedric because most people would rather be Avada Kedavra-d then live Edward Cullen's miserable existence. It wasn't easy to become Edward Cullen either. He had to trade in his broomstick for a Volvo and turn his hair into a wave. Seriously? What was the purpose of making his hair so horrible. It looks like a solid wall of hair gel.

So now he's pretending to be a one hundred year old, American vampire who supposedly died of Spanish Influenza and is now obsessed with a forgettable, pale, American girl. If you want my opinion, Cedric is only with Bella because he's on the rebound after Cho and he's trying to make her jealous. He's like "oh, your with Harry Potter because he's so pale...well, I can get with a pale person too". Of course, that didn't work, so he eventually returned to England to try to get Cho back, which is where he was during the entirety of New Moon. But that didn't work, so Cedric finally realized that now that he's undead, Bella is the best he can do.

That must have been a sad day for poor Cedric.

Fortunately, I was able to get in contact with Cedric and he was kind enough to send me some excerpts from his journal about his life as a vampire:

September 1 - Another year of boring muggle school, another opportunity to kill and/or maim as many muggles as possible. This whole witness protection thing is getting boring. I think if I played my cards right, I could reinact the plot of Carrie in Forks High School. Maybe I'll get started on that. 

September 2 - Met a boring girl with boring blood in boring science class. Why do they make us take science? Don't they know I'm a wizard vampire. Wizard vampire = your laws of physics are invalid. I miss Cho; she had exciting blood. 

September 30 - Boring blood girl has become obsessed with me. Great. I didn't even give her a love potion! This chick is crae (I learned that word from Ke$ha; I think I'm becoming very adept at American slang).

October 3 - Maybe I can use boring blood girl to make Cho jealous. It probably won't work, but I'm extremely bored, so I'll try it anyway. 

October 15 - Boring girl is even more boring than I thought. I want Cho back. She's probably shacking up with Potter right now. Maybe I should kill him and drink his blood. Would that be impressive to Cho? What to girls want in a guy? Life is so confussing. I wish I could just ask Moaning Myrtle for advice; she was so smart. Horny, but smart. 

November 15 - I wrote a song for Cho. It goes like this: 

Cho, Cho, you're so beautiful. 
You're a Ravenclaw, 
which means you're smarter than Bella will ever be. 
Why don't you like me? 
Cho, I miss you. 
Please ignore my fangs and come back to me. 

I didn't say it was a good song. 

November 16 - Now I'm writing a song for Moaning Myrtle. She's transparent. Bella's transparent too, but in a different way. Myrtle is dead; Bella's just dead boring. Maybe I'll hire some other vampires to hunt her for fun. Or maybe I'll hire some werewolves to hit on her so she'll leave me alone. Maybe I'll marry her and produce mutant vampire spawn with her. Let's call that Plan Z. Nah, let's call that Plan Never. 

Of course, to make things worse, he's basically in the Wizard Witness Protection Program, so he has to live with a lot of other people that Voldemort killed for having noses. Not to mention that his new, nose family makes him go human high school. Which must be terribly boring after attending Hogwarts. It's a very bitter situation. The worst thing is that no one has told Cedric yet that Voldemort is dead and he can go back to England and start drinking Hippogriff blood or something like that.

Oh well, I'm sure he'll catch on eventually.

Just sayin'