Just Sayin'

So, yesterday, one of my friends texted me, "Okay, if you want an absolutely DRAMATIC, all-consuming distraction, just watch Tiger King on Netflix. It is WILD." Little did she know, I had just finished watching the new, true-crime documentary series a few hours before. My immediate response was "I know! It was the most insane thing I've ever seen." I don't ordinarily write about TV shows on this blog, so perhaps I should take a minute to describe what  Tiger King  is. As I noted above, it's a new, true-crime documentary series from Netflix. It follows the exploits of a group of people who all own private zoos full of tigers. As you can imagine, all of these people are totally and completely, certifiably crazy.  Murder, mayhem, and madness ensues, spiced with a healthy dose of tigers, expired meat, cults, polygamy, arson, bullets, and explosives. And, guys—let me make this very clear—I am not exaggerating.  Tiger King is the craziest thing I have e...

Today, someone showed me a picture of a goose tongue, and my life will never be the same again. Did you know that geese have teeth on their tongues? I'm going to repeat that in case you missed it: TEETH ON THEIR TONGUES. Yes, that's right, their tongues are SERRATED! It is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I am shocked. I am dismayed. I am horrified. If you want to see a picture of a goose tongue, google it because I'm not going to post one here. Seriously, it's like something out of a science fiction horror movie. Now, if you've met a goose, you're probably thinking to yourself, "this person is really dumb, of course geese have serrated tongues; everyone knows that." I, however, have never met a goose, so I did not know that. Like, I always assumed that geese were cool. I mean, they put geese in petting zoos, how much more wholesome can they be? I assumed that geese were just birds out in the world, being chill and ...

A very detectival cat So, recently, I've been writing a series of detective stories about my friend's cat. The cat's name is Gato, but my friend and her boyfriend call him Detective Fuzzy Bottoms because he's such a detectival cat (I don't know if detectival is a real word, and spell check certainly thinks it isn't, but spellcheck also doesn't recognize a lot of terms from Game of Thrones, so spell check clearly doesn't know what's going on in the world today) and is always investigating something.  As someone once told me, cats don't know it's Christmas (which is pretty profound if you ask me ), but I wanted to write a holiday mystery for Detective Fuzzy Bottoms anyway because why not?  Anyway, this is Gato's holiday adventure. It's the third installment in the Detective Fuzzy Bottoms saga. I'll list the other two mysteries below. I don't think you really need to read them in order, but you may want to (in case...

Never Fear, Detective Fuzzy Bottoms is on the Case! About a week ago, I wrote a detective story about my friend's cat, Gato . Gato is a very inquisitive cat, and he likes to investigate things, so his nickname is Detective Fuzzy Bottoms. I get snap chats of him crawling into grocery bags and laundry hampers all the time with the caption "Detective Fuzzy Bottoms is on the Case!"  Anyway, people seemed to like Detective Fuzzy Bottoms' first adventure, so I decided to write a Halloween sequel. It's a bit long, but sometimes holiday stories about cats and pumpkins just need to be told, okay? *** Cats only celebrate one holiday. It's called All Cat's Eve. On All Cat's Eve, we eat catnip cookies, exchange gifts, and sing cat carols. My favorite cat carol is called "Merrily We Go to Eat Some Mice and Break Their Bones." It makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (or maybe that's the catnip). I especially like the part of the son...

The Real Life Detective Fuzzy Bottoms So, one of my best friends has a cat named Gato. Gato is a very inquisitive cat and likes to crawl into things and investigate things, so my friend and her boyfriend have a long standing joke that he's a detective. They call him Detective Fuzzy Bottoms, which I think is absolutely adorable. Anyway, I'm constantly getting snaps of Gato sitting in suitcases and crawling into bags with the caption "Detective Fuzzy Bottoms is on the case." I don't know about you, but I sleep much better at night knowing that Fuzzy Bottoms is out there making sure that all the empty shopping bags in the world are safe. Gato is such a prolific and talented detective that I thought someone ought to write a detective story about him, and that someone might as well be me. I give you "The Adventures of Detective Fuzzy Bottoms: Gato and the Mysterious Box." *** I didn't want to be a detective. Ever since I was a young kitten, al...

So, the new season of Game of Thrones is coming out fairly soon and, in honor of that, I've decided to share with you my latest Game of Thrones conspiracy theory (which, believe me, is one of many). I recently I read this an article which calculated the most important character in Game of Thrones using math. Based on a bunch of algorithms and equations and a whole bunch of other stuff I don't understand, they concluded that Tyrion Lannister is the most important character in Game of Thrones . That's a neat theory and everything, the only problem is that it's wrong. The most important character in Game of Thrones is clearly Ser Pounce, King Tommen's cat. Don't get me wrong, I like Tyrion; he's a good character -- he's just not the most important character. Now, I know what you're thinking: Ser Pounce is only in like two scenes in the entire show. I'm aware of  that. This is because the producers are trying to hide him in plain sight, a clea...

So, today I was eating chocolate eggs (because, you know, Easter and stuff) and I had this thought: "chocolate eggs are so delicious that, if chocolate eggs came from chocolate birds, that species would be seriously endangered." That thought made me so sad that I almost stopped eating chocolate eggs. Almost, but not quite. However, it did make me think. We should seriously be wondering about how ethical chocolate eggs are. Now, I'm not talking about ethics in terms of where the cocoa came from and how much the workers were paid and if the packaging was made from recycled materials. No. I'm talking about how ethical it is to eat chocolate eggs if they come from chocolate birds. Now, I know what you're thinking: "you eat chicken eggs, right? How is this different?" (Or maybe you were thinking that chocolate eggs aren't real and I'm crazy; I'm not a mind reader). That is true. I do eat chicken eggs. I don't really like chickens though. T...

So, I'm not a big deal or anything (seriously though), but I recently did a poster presentation at the Mid-Atlantic Writing Centers Association Conference at Drexel. It was a great, fun experience. Anyway, as I was putting the presentation together, I stuck a photo of a Beluga whale on the poster (because, apparently, I can't take anything seriously). Why did I do that, you may ask? Well, because I'm a quirky person and no one told me I couldn't. One minute I was writing some stuff up for the poster and I just woke up and thought, "Beluga whales, I like them, I'm going to put them on the poster." And I did. They're cute. They have cute faces. They make cute expressions. I asked my presentation partner if I could put a whale on the poster and she was like "uh, why?" and I said "because it's the writing center Beluga whale." I don't mean to brag, but I coined that phrase: the writing center Beluga whale. Enough said. H...

So, yesterday was Groundhog's Day, which, here in Pennsylvania, is a pretty big deal. Now, I like Groundhog's Day -- mostly because it's the one day a year you can get accurate weather reporting. Weather people lie to you ALL THE TIME. Like, sometimes they'll tell you there's going to be snow and it ends up being sunny. Sometimes they tell you it will rain and there's sleet. If a groundhog tells  you there will be six more weeks of winter, you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be six more weeks of winter (partly because it's Pennsylvania and winter lasts basically until June). Nonetheless, groundhogs are pretty accurate when asked about the weather. Like, if I had a choice, I would have a groundhog tell me the weather every day. This is because I trust groundhogs (or, as I call them, woodchucks -- which I know is sacrilege in Pennsylvania). They're trustworthy animals. I mean, think about it. Groundhogs are fat little ground squirrels with...

If you're on the east coast of the US right now, you're probably being buried alive in snow from Winter Storm Jonas (can we collectively agree to fire the person who decided to name a blizzard after a boy band?). Do you know what would be great in a blizzard like this? A mammoth. You can't drive your car in the snow? Climb on top of a mammoth. Mammoths are the original four wheel drive. Don't have snow tires? Hitch a sled to your mammoth! Mammoths are very fuel efficient, practical, all terrain vehicles. Now, I know what you're thinking: mammoths are extinct, right? Yes, they are...for now. I'm not a scientist. However, if I was a scientist, I would be devoting all my time and energy to resurrecting the Woolly Mammoth. Let me explain. Humans are mostly responsible for the extinction of mammoths (this is why we can't have nice things). Yes, there is some evidence that suggests that climate change may have pushed mammoths to extinction, but there is also a...

As many of you know, I have an unhealthy obsession with cosmetic products, but that's okay because I'm not alone. The Loch Ness Monster also has an unhealthy obsession with cosmetics -- it turns out, it really isn't easy to be green. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to hear what the Loch Ness Monster has to say about current beauty trends -- Nessie is, after all, the world's foremost underwater makeup artist. Fortunately for all of us, Nessie has taken the time to write out her best beauty tips because, really, who doesn't want to have the Lake Monster look (I hear it's all the rage in Paris). 1) Storage: Storage is the most important part of your cosmetic collection. If you don't store your makeup, it will probably get eaten by a lake shark or something like that (JK, there are no more lake sharks -- I ate them!) I like to keep my makeup in a shallow cave at the bottom of the lake. It's a good place to keep makeup because all of the sludge...

So, in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, there's this subplot where the mice secretly created planet earth as one big experiment so that they could observe the way human culture developed. I've always been a little skeptical of this idea. I  mean, if mice were really ruling the world, would they be living in floor boards and getting killed by cats? That seems a little far fetched to me. No, I have it figured out, the pandas are our true over lords. You may laugh at this theory. You may say, "but what about the dolphins? Surely the dolphins are smarter than the pandas?" Well, when was the last time you saw a panda get stuck in a tuna net? If you think about it, it's really quite logical. When was the last time you saw a panda lift anything heavier than a piece of bamboo? Just about every panda on the planet has a team of a least three panda keepers and panda vets around them at all times. Pandas don't have to find their own food, clean their own ...

Here's what I want to know: why is it acceptable for people to go on the internet and deny the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and then turn around and say that the plot of Jurassic Park is possible ? As much as I would like a pet triceratops, it seems as though science has pretty successfully disproved the plot of Jurassic Park . (Let's all take a minute to shed a tear for the live-action version of Land Before Time that will never happen). The Loch Ness Monster, however, is totally real. Seriously, raptors that can open doors? That seems a little far fetched, don't you think? The idea of a modern day dinosaur just doesn't have the down-to-earth veracity of a slimy, cold blooded lake monster living in a cold and slimy lake. BTW,  I say slimy, cold blooded lake monster in the most loving way possible. In fact, I'm good friends with Nessie.  May I take a moment to remind you all that Nessie wrote into this very blog seven months ago? Actually, for that matter...

So, lately I've been hearing a lot of hype about Jurassic World . Everyone's like: "You have to see it! You can barely even spot the fake dinosaurs!" Now, I haven't seen Jurassic World , but I don't really need to because I've seen this movie before. Here's how it goes: "We've created dinosaurs, but don't worry, they're completely safe. Timmy, look at the cute little dinosaur! Touch it! Pet it! Ride it! Oh, it bit your finger off? We can fix that! It bit your head off? That might be a problem. The dinosaur is on the loose and killing everyone? Who could have seen that coming?" Me. I could have seen that coming because I saw Jurassic Park , The Lost World , and Jurassic Park III . Don't get me wrong, I like Chris Pratt and I'm sure Jurassic World is a lovely movie with great special effects and awesome theme music, but those other films gave me some clue that a dinosaur theme park was not a good idea. There are two th...

Clearly, someone important took note of a blog about Panda Greed that I wrote a few months ago because, a few days ago, my friend Megan made me this 'Panda Patent,' giving me control over all the pandas in the world -- just a normal Sunday, right? Because Megan obviously has ALL control over pandas. At first, I was excited about owning all the pandas -- then I read the fine print. As you can see, as the new Panda Empress, I am responsible for all panda ruckus. Now, I didn't know what panda ruckus was, so I decided to look into it. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RUCKUS PANDAS CAUSE? You may think that pandas are rather tame animals, doing innocent things like smoking cigars, throwing parties, drinking vodka, and stealing cars. Instead, it turns out that pandas are always doing crazy stuff like eating bamboo, climbing trees, and sleeping.  And I thought pandas were so innocent! Just watch the National Zoo Panda Cam some time, it's shocking! The other day, I saw pandas walkin...

Overall, I have a fair amount of confidence in myself as a grown up. I mean, I pay taxes and stuff; sometimes I even clean and cook things without a microwave. But one thing that I struggle with as an adult is being a parent. A fish parent. In case you are unfamiliar with my blog (although my URL is literally I have a fish tank, so I think it's pretty clear), I have a fish tank full of guppies that I'm very proud of. I blog a lot about my fish -- but one thing I don't think I've talked about a lot is how difficult it is to be a fish parent. Once fish are grown up, basically all you have to do is feed them. But raising fish from fry (that's a fancy word for baby fish #smart) to grown up fish is pretty difficult. First of all, you have to buy special food for baby fish because their mouths are too small for the normal food. Then, you have to encourage them and talk to them about swimming and stuff like that. However, the biggest problem is that grown up fish lik...

You know what bothers me about China? THEY OWN ALL THE PANDAS. Like, don't get me wrong -- I have no problem with China, but they have a problem, and that problem is PANDA GREED. Fact: China owns every panda in the WORLD; not just the pandas in China -- all the pandas everywhere. There are pandas chillin' in the US right now who belong to China. American zoos pay RENT every year for the right to display pandas. And when I say rent, I mean ONE MILLION dollars per panda. This is true even for pandas who were born in the United States (or in any other country that isn't China). Maybe I'm reading the constitution wrong or something but my understanding is that, if someone is born here, they're a US citizen. I'm not sure if that applies to pandas, but if it doesn't, it should. I say this because if American zoos go through the trouble and expense of breeding a panda (which is not easy) they shouldn't have to pay a million dollars for the privlidge of ca...

The immortal fish, he hates socialization, happiness, and having fun So, as I've written before, fish are delicate creatures . I don't know if it's the gills or the cold blood or what, but, if you expose them to toxic chemicals, they're very likely to die (which I don't get because I drink Diet Coke on the daily and I'm still kicking). Currently, I'm combating an ammonia poisoning crisis in my fish tank. Without getting too scientific about it (science = snore), basically what happened was I destroyed my fish tank's biological filter when I cleaned it. I cleaned it to, you know, get rid of the horrible disease that was killing all my fish . Established fish tanks have a certain level of good bacteria that process waste, which is good because, if you don't process waste, you get toxic chemical build up. Anyway, while I wait for the biological filter to rebound, I have to be on high alert for ammonia and nitrate spikes. I test the water for p...

If you read my last blog about my fish, you know that my fish tank is going through a bacterial swim bladder disease epidemic, which, surprisingly, is much less fun than it sounds. Anyway, in the middle of this whole thing I left for a couple of days to visit family and I left my roommates in charge of the fish. While I was away, one of my fish died and my roommates didn't notice right away. Well, they didn't notice until they caught my Chinese Algae Eater EATING the dead fish. There was some screaming that day. Needless to say, my Chinese Algae Eater is now in time out. Which basically just means that he's in a tank by himself and I scold him whenever I walk past the tank. Now, a lot of you may think that this is too harsh. A lot of you may say "he's just a fish; he's just following his instincts." That's not true! My Chinese Algae Eater, whose name is Joaquin (but I call him Joaquo [pronounce wah-co]), is not really a fish; he's more like...

So, if you know me, you'll know that I've recently been going through a fish crisis. What's a fish crisis, you ask? Well, a fish crisis is when you have a fish tank full of thirty, healthy guppies, you get one new guppy with a tiny little bit of bacteria on its scales, and all of the sudden you only have six guppies. Yeah. That's a fish crisis. So, while I was frantically trying to avert mass guppy death, I did a lot of research on the internet about fish diseases (yes, I am that person), and decided that my guppies were afflicted by bacterial swim bladder disease, which is just as fun as it sounds. Basically, it makes your fish swim upside down until they die. So, while I was reading all these fish enthusiast forums, all the fish experts were all like "yeah, if it's this disease do this and this and treat with a general antibiotic." Of course, my reactions to this was, they make antibiotics for fish? (I mean, I guess it makes sense since a lot of...