Dinosaurs are Not Your Friends
So, lately I've been hearing a lot of hype about Jurassic World. Everyone's like: "You have to see it! You can barely even spot the fake dinosaurs!"
Now, I haven't seen Jurassic World, but I don't really need to because I've seen this movie before. Here's how it goes: "We've created dinosaurs, but don't worry, they're completely safe. Timmy, look at the cute little dinosaur! Touch it! Pet it! Ride it! Oh, it bit your finger off? We can fix that! It bit your head off? That might be a problem. The dinosaur is on the loose and killing everyone? Who could have seen that coming?" Me. I could have seen that coming because I saw Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and Jurassic Park III. Don't get me wrong, I like Chris Pratt and I'm sure Jurassic World is a lovely movie with great special effects and awesome theme music, but those other films gave me some clue that a dinosaur theme park was not a good idea.
There are two things I don't understand about Jurassic World: why everyone is so eager to see a movie that's already been made three times and why everyone in the universe of the movie is so eager to go to a dinosaur theme park. I mean, didn't they see Jurassic Park??? Like, think about it. This movie is taking place in a world where two dinosaur theme parks have failed and one T-Rex has gotten loose in San Diego. Given those circumstances, why would anyone go to a dinosaur theme park? People in movies are so dumb sometimes. Honestly, people should have known that dinosaurs and theme parks don't mix since The Valley of Gwangi. Like, if a roller coaster at Six Flags started eating people, I'm pretty sure folks would stop going to that park. Clearly it takes not one, not two, not three, but four (that's right, *four*) movies for them to get the message: DINOSAURS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!
The people who run the dinosaur park don't seem to get it either. I know that they're out to make a buck, but isn't a dinosaur theme park a huge liability? I mean, I'm not a fan of frivolous lawsuits, but, if your kid gets eaten by a dinosaur, you should sue. Not to mention that the overhead costs for a theme park like that must be HUGE. They have to buy all the cloning equipment, pay the scientists, and have the most advanced security systems in the world (which will inevitably be trumped by dinosaurs); that sounds pretty expensive to me. Plus, they immediately breed the most dangerous dinosaurs. That's the thing I really don't get. Okay, you can breed the triceratops and the brontosaurus; they seem pretty safe and they won't eat you. I mean, they're still dinosaurs. People will still pay to see them. It would be like that scene in the first movie when the brontosaurus sneezes on the little girl: ADORABLE.
My advice: breed a couple herbivores and be done with it. But, what is really egregious is that they keep breeding the raptors. DID YOU NOT SEE THE FIRST MOVIE??? THEY CAN OPEN DOORS!!!! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BREED THEM????? It always comes as a shock to the characters in the movies that the raptors are smart, fast, and dangerous. I'm not a paleontologist or anything, but I'm given to understand that that raptors are designed to be super smart killing machines. Hey geneticists, why don't we skip that one? The T-Rex always ends up being a problem too. I know that they have to put it in the movie so that they can have it on the poster, but, if I had a T-Rex, it would be chained up and under heavy sedation all the time. Do you know why? Because the argument: "T-Rexs don't kill people; people kill people" doesn't work. T-Rexs actually kill people! Or, to be more specific, they eat them -- and sometimes drink from their swimming pools in San Diego.
All I'm saying is that, if you're going to have a dinosaur theme park, you should at least be smart about it. Or, better yet, open a regular theme park and avoid the bloodletting. Like, if you told me that there was a dinosaur theme park opening tomorrow, I would get as far away from it as possible. Do you know why? Because I can guarantee that if you're not the lead actor or a dog, you're going to get eaten. (I don't think there was a dog in Jurassic Park, but, if there was, it would have lived -- there are some bounds of sanity and decency in movies).
So, in conclusion, I don't really need to see Jurassic World. Besides, I can always spot the fake dinosaurs.
Just sayin'
Now, I haven't seen Jurassic World, but I don't really need to because I've seen this movie before. Here's how it goes: "We've created dinosaurs, but don't worry, they're completely safe. Timmy, look at the cute little dinosaur! Touch it! Pet it! Ride it! Oh, it bit your finger off? We can fix that! It bit your head off? That might be a problem. The dinosaur is on the loose and killing everyone? Who could have seen that coming?" Me. I could have seen that coming because I saw Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and Jurassic Park III. Don't get me wrong, I like Chris Pratt and I'm sure Jurassic World is a lovely movie with great special effects and awesome theme music, but those other films gave me some clue that a dinosaur theme park was not a good idea.
There are two things I don't understand about Jurassic World: why everyone is so eager to see a movie that's already been made three times and why everyone in the universe of the movie is so eager to go to a dinosaur theme park. I mean, didn't they see Jurassic Park??? Like, think about it. This movie is taking place in a world where two dinosaur theme parks have failed and one T-Rex has gotten loose in San Diego. Given those circumstances, why would anyone go to a dinosaur theme park? People in movies are so dumb sometimes. Honestly, people should have known that dinosaurs and theme parks don't mix since The Valley of Gwangi. Like, if a roller coaster at Six Flags started eating people, I'm pretty sure folks would stop going to that park. Clearly it takes not one, not two, not three, but four (that's right, *four*) movies for them to get the message: DINOSAURS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!
The people who run the dinosaur park don't seem to get it either. I know that they're out to make a buck, but isn't a dinosaur theme park a huge liability? I mean, I'm not a fan of frivolous lawsuits, but, if your kid gets eaten by a dinosaur, you should sue. Not to mention that the overhead costs for a theme park like that must be HUGE. They have to buy all the cloning equipment, pay the scientists, and have the most advanced security systems in the world (which will inevitably be trumped by dinosaurs); that sounds pretty expensive to me. Plus, they immediately breed the most dangerous dinosaurs. That's the thing I really don't get. Okay, you can breed the triceratops and the brontosaurus; they seem pretty safe and they won't eat you. I mean, they're still dinosaurs. People will still pay to see them. It would be like that scene in the first movie when the brontosaurus sneezes on the little girl: ADORABLE.
My advice: breed a couple herbivores and be done with it. But, what is really egregious is that they keep breeding the raptors. DID YOU NOT SEE THE FIRST MOVIE??? THEY CAN OPEN DOORS!!!! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BREED THEM????? It always comes as a shock to the characters in the movies that the raptors are smart, fast, and dangerous. I'm not a paleontologist or anything, but I'm given to understand that that raptors are designed to be super smart killing machines. Hey geneticists, why don't we skip that one? The T-Rex always ends up being a problem too. I know that they have to put it in the movie so that they can have it on the poster, but, if I had a T-Rex, it would be chained up and under heavy sedation all the time. Do you know why? Because the argument: "T-Rexs don't kill people; people kill people" doesn't work. T-Rexs actually kill people! Or, to be more specific, they eat them -- and sometimes drink from their swimming pools in San Diego.
All I'm saying is that, if you're going to have a dinosaur theme park, you should at least be smart about it. Or, better yet, open a regular theme park and avoid the bloodletting. Like, if you told me that there was a dinosaur theme park opening tomorrow, I would get as far away from it as possible. Do you know why? Because I can guarantee that if you're not the lead actor or a dog, you're going to get eaten. (I don't think there was a dog in Jurassic Park, but, if there was, it would have lived -- there are some bounds of sanity and decency in movies).
So, in conclusion, I don't really need to see Jurassic World. Besides, I can always spot the fake dinosaurs.
Just sayin'
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