Just Sayin'

As many of you know, I have an unhealthy obsession with cosmetic products, but that's okay because I'm not alone. The Loch Ness Monster also has an unhealthy obsession with cosmetics -- it turns out, it really isn't easy to be green. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to hear what the Loch Ness Monster has to say about current beauty trends -- Nessie is, after all, the world's foremost underwater makeup artist. Fortunately for all of us, Nessie has taken the time to write out her best beauty tips because, really, who doesn't want to have the Lake Monster look (I hear it's all the rage in Paris). 1) Storage: Storage is the most important part of your cosmetic collection. If you don't store your makeup, it will probably get eaten by a lake shark or something like that (JK, there are no more lake sharks -- I ate them!) I like to keep my makeup in a shallow cave at the bottom of the lake. It's a good place to keep makeup because all of the sludge...

Hi, my name is MC and I own at least fifty bottles of nail polish. True Happiness Why? How? What for? I don't know. All I do know is that if you go into my apartment, you will find a strategically placed photo box full of nail polish. I mean, if you think about it, 50 bottles of nail polish is ridiculous, not just because it's 50 bottles but because nail polish is really weird to begin with. That may sound like an extreme statement, but based on my super accurate statistics that I have just made up, over 99% of females in the US own at least one bottle of nail polish. Some of them don't even know that they own nail polish, but it's there. It's hiding under your bed, in your medicine cabinet, stuffed in the back of your sock drawer, maybe even in a forlorn duffle bag stuffed in our closet somewhere. Even the women who don't like nail polish have nail polish: It's been given to them as gifts, inherited from friends, or, sometimes, it just spontaneously...

You know you're getting old when you get online one day and you're like "what? what is this Vine the kids are using these days? what does it even mean? What is a Reddit? When did Facebook stop being the dominant form of social media?" Like, seriously, there used to be like two ways to interact with people online and now there are like fifty million. It's too much! How many platforms do you need to spew your selfies across the internet. Everytime I post something on Facebook these days, I'm like "yep, officially a dinosaur." I've accepted the fact that I can no longer keep up with the young people and their various Yik Yaks and Tumblrs, but that doesn't you shouldn't keep up! For all of these people out there who are like me, I've put together a list of everything you need to know about the different forms of social media. Consider this your guide to the internet. MySpace: If Justin Timberlake didn't own a significant chunk of...

So, no one ever said it was easy to be a girl. One of my best friends (who is a girl) has recently become interested in looking cute . What does cute mean exactly? I'm not really sure, but I think cute means you paint your nails at least three times a week, wear shoes that murder your feet, have perfume that matches your mood/outfit, and wear things that say 'I like to have fun but I'm also a person you could watch Game of Thrones with). I know; that's a lot for clothes to say considering they DON'T HAVE MOUTHES. Anyway, I'm all for looking cute, so I've put together a helpful list of tips that will make you the cutest person ever who ever tried to be cute at any time in history. 1. Wear a cantaloupe on our head:  Most people don't realize this, but a wearing a watermelon on your head isn't cute. Try a cantaloupe instead. Wearing a cantaloupe is a subtle way to let people know that you go to the grocery store. Plus, it's a lot more casual than...

I really hate talking on the telephone. As a member of the 'millennial generation', I am far more comfortable chatting people on Facebook and Gmail, texting, and emailing, than I am talking to people on the telephone. I blame this on the fact that, really, who talks on the telephone anymore? The only people who actually 'call' me are my parents. I've taken a brief survey of my other 'millennial' friends and discovered that I am not alone in this. Millennials, despite the fact that a lot of us used telephones in our youth, really dislike calling people. I mean, I have no objection to face time and audio text messages, but an actual phone conversation ? That's barbaric! Fortunately for Millennials, use of the telephone is pretty limited these days. Unfortunately, there are still some situations in which it is required, like making dentist appointments, talking to customer service, and, sometimes, doing phone interviews for jobs. That last one is the wor...

Before  So, today my friend and I decided to paint a book shelf that we're planning to use in our apartment. Naturally, we decided to paint it pink, because whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed. Well, long story short, fifty five dollars, five hours, and two pink knees later, we found out that you can't paint furniture with spray paint. While I understand that this would be totally obvious to most people, clearly, it's not obvious to me. Everyone was like, 'you have to use real paint and primer and rollers and little brushes to paint a book shelf or it will EXPLODE' (I may be exaggerating a little bit), and I was like 'but that sounds so expensive and complicated...I'm just going to use spray paint'. In my defense, my roommate and I did go to Lowes and ask the lady at the paint counter what we should use to paint the bookshelf, and she was all like 'well, if it's not very big, you could probably use spray paint'. ...

So, I have a friend, who shall remain nameless for her own protection, who, shocking as it may be, does not watch Game of Thrones or read A Song of Ice or Fire . Try to contain your horror and dismay. So, for that person, who, once again, shall remain nameless, I present to you ten reasons why you should watch/read Game of Thrones. 1) Great hair styles. Like, Jaime Lannister's hair literally stands up by it's self. Not to mention that amazing-ness that is Dany Targaryen's beautiful hair. 2) Dragons. Everyone likes dragons. Don't act like you don't like dragons; you know that you do. They're giant, fire breathing lizards of death and pain, what's not to like. 3) Sean Bean is in the show and he dies in the show. You know that, if Sean Bean chooses a movie/show to die in that it must be good. He only picks the very best shows to die in. 4) Jenn Marbles likes it. That's right, I'm pulling out the celebrity card; if Jenna Marbles watches it, obvi...

I come from a long line of ketchup enthusiasts. That's why it distresses me that ketchup does not get the respect it deserves as a condiment. In my opinion, ketchup outranks every other condiment (unless you count guacamole as a condiment - avocado beats tomatoes any day). So, it distresses me that I take a lot of flak from my friends for putting ketchup on, well, pretty much everything. (Also, let me just note that when I say ketchup, I mean Heinz ketchup because nothing else is even vaguely worthy of consumption (side note, did you know that the Heinz company also makes peanut butter,  strangely, that gives me a craving for a peanut butter ketchup sandwich)) I mean, everyone's always telling me how important eating vegetables is - doesn't ketchup count as a vegetable? I know that the tomato is a fruit, but, nutritionally it seems like more of a vegetable. So, if ketchup is a vegetable, I should be consuming like three to four servings a day, right? Which is actually, fo...