Just Sayin'

You know you're getting old when you get online one day and you're like "what? what is this Vine the kids are using these days? what does it even mean? What is a Reddit? When did Facebook stop being the dominant form of social media?" Like, seriously, there used to be like two ways to interact with people online and now there are like fifty million. It's too much! How many platforms do you need to spew your selfies across the internet. Everytime I post something on Facebook these days, I'm like "yep, officially a dinosaur." I've accepted the fact that I can no longer keep up with the young people and their various Yik Yaks and Tumblrs, but that doesn't you shouldn't keep up! For all of these people out there who are like me, I've put together a list of everything you need to know about the different forms of social media. Consider this your guide to the internet. MySpace: If Justin Timberlake didn't own a significant chunk of...

I think it's an undisputed fact that I Want You Back by *NSYNC is the best music video that's ever been made, bar none. I mean, it's got zip up t-shirts and arm wiggling, not to mention a sprightly Justin Timberlake and 90s animation; I mean, they don't make music videos like this anymore. How could they? I don't even know who you would go to to coreograph all that fist pumping. But, this piece of cinematographic mastery has a dark side. After a long, intense conversation with my roommate about the history and cultural significance of *NSYNC (what, I'm on break), I came to the realization that boy bands are actually really, really weird. I Want You Back was released in 1996. In 1996, Justin Timberlake, who was the youngest member of *NSYNC, was 15. Chris Kirkpatrick, who was the oldest member of *NSYNC, was 25. Let me just repeat that. Twenty-five. Now, I'm only 20, and the idea of being in a band with a 15 year old is ridiculous to me. Not just ...

No One Appreciates Me! So, the other day I was starring out the window diligently studying in English when I had a thought: I'm really grateful that I live in a society that appreciates Justin Timberlake. Like, the frightening truth is that history is full of cultures and nations that wouldn't have liked JT. I, for one, am EXTREMELY glad that we have progressed as a species. Do you think the Romans would have appreciated SexyBack ? No! They would have been like "um...we're bringing Caesar back." Do you think the vikings would have listened to Suit & Tie ? No! Vikings didn't wear suits! In fact, they were probably pillaging all the people who wore suits and ties. If you turn up in a suit and tie in a viking town, you're liable to get the blood eagle. If you don't know what a blood eagle is, go look it up on Urban Dictionary and then come back here and try to tell me that you're not profoundly grateful that people are now able to wea...

So, the other night I was playing Cards Against Humanity with a group of my friends and somehow we got on to the topic of drunk Voldemort (it's not as weird as it sounds because a lot of our make-your-own cards have something to do with Voldemort; that's as weird as it sounds). I mean, he is an evil man in evil clothes (extra points if you get the reference), so I think it's resonable to suppose that he's not shy about drinking. I think if you're the most evil wizard in the world, sometimes you're just like, "you know what, I'm Voldemort, I do what I want". So you can bet that Voldemort gets hammered. I did a little investigating and found that this was indeed the case. Fortunately, I'm BFFs with Nagini and Nagini has access to Voldemort's phone. I give you, the best Voldemort drunk texts: Actually, it looks like Voldemort drinks a lot. Apparently he likes tequila, which is weird because I would have pegged him for a margarita guy. ...

I have an addiction. It's not some normal addiction, like alcohol or drugs. It's much more serious. I am addicted...to Justin Timberlake. I am a Justin Timberlake junkie.  That may sound pretty tame to you; maybe you think I just like to listen to his songs some times, maybe you think I just really liked *NSYNC as a kid. That's not it; I am actually obsessed with JT. He just has the hair and the face and the eyes and the voice and the feet and he's such a great dancer and he's so funny and he's so nice and he's such a good golfer and he was in Shrek the Third and I loved that movie  and he sings and he smiles and he says romantic things about his wife and he does things (that are recorded on the Justin Timberlake Does Things tumblr) and I saw him live in concert once and it was magical and ALL THE FEELS. I just love him; he's a perfect human being. So that should maybe give you some idea of how I feel.... I can't help it. Some days, I...

So this has been bugging me for about ten years... One of the great unanswered questions of the Harry Potter series remains unanswered to this day: where does Voldemort live?  I think this is an important detail to be omitted from the books because, if you think about it, it would have been much easier for Harry to kill Voldemort if he knew where he lived. Harry could have snuck up on him in the middle of the night while he was sleeping or something. Whatever, JK Rowling, I don't want to write your plots for you, but that should have been a consideration. Like, we see Voldemort at Malfoy Manor once, and there's that whole scene in the Riddle Mansion, not to mention the rumors that he's living in a forest somewhere, but where does Voldemort actually live ? Like, I don't care if you're the Dark Lord or not, you still need a place to eat your breakfast cereal and bathe and brush your teeth. Just because you're evil, that's no excuse for bad hygiene. I l...

Recently, my roommate started writing this story about a sassy, German vampire who hates Twilight. I'm very impressed with this story; I think it's should be an inspiration to anyone who seeks to write modern, Twilight disparaging literature. Anyway, after I read the story, I thought about it a bit and then I was like: "I should write something about the Loch Ness Monster", because Germans + Twilight = Lake Beast, as everyone knows. Anyway, I've always felt a certain connection to the Loch Ness Monster. When I was a kid, I saw the Cartoon Network special  Scooby Doo Meets the Loch Ness Monster , and I feel that that really gave me an insight into life as a lake monster. I mean, to be bested by a great dane, that must have been really tough for Nessie. I've also seen Water Horse and read the Wikipedia article on lake monsters. ...I'm basically an expert. So, I decided to call over to Scotland and see if Nessie wanted to talk to me. It turns out that...

So, a little while ago, my roommate and I developed something that we feel the world is in desperate need of: a sass odometer. A sass odometer is sort of like a richter scale for sassiness. Simply put, it is a way of ranking sassy comments based on three factors: overall sassiness, sass saturation, and intention to sass. This semester, while some were studying rhetoric and others were studying literature, we were studying sass. We've got sass down to a science. This is because, when you're in college, people will sass you more than they ever have in your entire life. It's four years of constant sass attack! You'll be in the convenience store, just buying a cliff bar, when one of your friends will be like "you're eating a cliff bar...I can't eat those; I'm trying to cut back on calories". BAM! Sass attack! Then, you'll be in the dining hall, eating taco salad for lunch (because you always eat taco salad for lunch), when someone (who...

So, in case you don't know, I live in Pennsylvania, and, in PA, we have the craziest, most bipolar, most non compos mentis , mad-as-a-March-hare weather you could ever hope to see. It's now May and we just started having warm weather like yesterday. It's not persistently warm weather either. You know the saying: 'April showers bring May flowers'? In the great state of Pennsylvania that saying is: 'March snow storms bring April downpours which bring May downpours'. Like, this morning I went outside and it was like 80 degrees, now it's getting ready to thunder storm. I mean, what is this??? It's not even like we live in one of those places that get 30 minute rain storms. If you're a Pennsylvania rain storm, you better be an all day rain storm or you should go home because you're raining on the wrong geographical zone. I have no problem with all day rain storms. I don't like them, but if I know that it's going to rain all day, I can...

So, I recently read this article about Justin Bieber and I have to say, I never quite realized how much I  disliked him. I mean, up until this point, he was sort of a minor annoyance in my life, like Canadian pennies and one way streets. Like, until I read up on his arrest record, I had no idea how much bad stuff Biebs was up to. Like, egging someone's house? What is this middle school? But all kidding aside, DUIs, ordering your body guards to beat up paparazzi, and harassing flight attendants are all pretty serious stunts. I know I may take some hate for this opinion, but even if you like Bieber's music, you have to admit he's messed up pretty seriously lately, and there's no excuse for breaking the law. Like, because he looks like he's twelve years old, I think people forget that he's a menace to society. Anyway, the point is, Bieber is ruining the good name of celebrity Justins. Like seven years ago, if you said the name Justin in reference to a celebrity ...

What a Beautiful Young Nose So, I have a theory that Voldemort's nose is the most interesting character in the Harry Potter series.  Think about it, it was around in the Chamber or Secrets flashbacks and then, all of the sudden, it was gone! The story of Voldemort's nose leaves so many questions unanswered. Where did it go when it left Voldemort's face? How did Voldemort survive without a nose? How did his nose feel about that? I decided to write a short play to answer those questions. (Also, today is Lord Voldemort's birthday, so happy birthday to the most evil wizard to ever live, I hope you don't get your wish when you blow out your candles). *** Scene 1: Life of a Nose Enter a Nose, it is a pale nose, very pointy and sad. Nose: To sneeze or not to sneeze, that is the question. [Dramatic pause] I had a face once - a great and terrible face. The face of Voldemort. He was so evil; I was proud to be a part of that face. When I was on that face, I was...

So, I live in fear of several things, one: the zombie apocalypse, two: whales, and three: people who can't use semi-colons properly. But there is a fourth fear, a great fear that surpasses all other fears: the Harry Potter film remake. Now, before you freak out, let me just say that, as far as I know, there are no plans to remake the Harry Potter movies in the near future. But, let's be real here people, it's coming. If  Hollywood can remake The Wizard of Oz , perhaps one of the best known American film classics of all time, they can remake Harry Potter too. And I'm not even going to bring up the fact that someone actually managed to make Conan the Barbarian worse than the original; that took skill. I don't even want to talk about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . Which means that a Harry Potter remake is actually quite conceivable. Like, I'm not saying it's going to happen today, or tomorrow. But in 10 or 20 years time, Warner Brothers is going to de...

So, the other day I was on Facebook and I saw this article from Entertainment Weekly, in which an artist did drawings of the cast of Game of Thrones in 80s and 90s clothes. Needless to say, I was quite entertained. Anyway, it got me thinking, what sort of lives would the Game of Thrones characters live if they existed in the real, modern world? I think it would be something like Superman's bizarro world. Everything would be the same except their would be Starks and Targaryens walking around and Voldemort would have a nose.   That is the parallel universe I want to live in. I mean, can you imagine a world where Tyrion Lannister was an actual person ? I think he would be either the Secretary of State or the benevolent dictator of a small country. Modern Day Tyrion The rest of the Lannister's though...I don't think they would be so successful . Like, being all murderous and bloodthirsty is okay when you live in a medieval world where you're running the show, but ...