Just Sayin'

If you're on the east coast of the US right now, you're probably being buried alive in snow from Winter Storm Jonas (can we collectively agree to fire the person who decided to name a blizzard after a boy band?). Do you know what would be great in a blizzard like this? A mammoth. You can't drive your car in the snow? Climb on top of a mammoth. Mammoths are the original four wheel drive. Don't have snow tires? Hitch a sled to your mammoth! Mammoths are very fuel efficient, practical, all terrain vehicles. Now, I know what you're thinking: mammoths are extinct, right? Yes, they are...for now. I'm not a scientist. However, if I was a scientist, I would be devoting all my time and energy to resurrecting the Woolly Mammoth. Let me explain. Humans are mostly responsible for the extinction of mammoths (this is why we can't have nice things). Yes, there is some evidence that suggests that climate change may have pushed mammoths to extinction, but there is also a...

The immortal fish, he hates socialization, happiness, and having fun So, as I've written before, fish are delicate creatures . I don't know if it's the gills or the cold blood or what, but, if you expose them to toxic chemicals, they're very likely to die (which I don't get because I drink Diet Coke on the daily and I'm still kicking). Currently, I'm combating an ammonia poisoning crisis in my fish tank. Without getting too scientific about it (science = snore), basically what happened was I destroyed my fish tank's biological filter when I cleaned it. I cleaned it to, you know, get rid of the horrible disease that was killing all my fish . Established fish tanks have a certain level of good bacteria that process waste, which is good because, if you don't process waste, you get toxic chemical build up. Anyway, while I wait for the biological filter to rebound, I have to be on high alert for ammonia and nitrate spikes. I test the water for p...

If you read my last blog about my fish, you know that my fish tank is going through a bacterial swim bladder disease epidemic, which, surprisingly, is much less fun than it sounds. Anyway, in the middle of this whole thing I left for a couple of days to visit family and I left my roommates in charge of the fish. While I was away, one of my fish died and my roommates didn't notice right away. Well, they didn't notice until they caught my Chinese Algae Eater EATING the dead fish. There was some screaming that day. Needless to say, my Chinese Algae Eater is now in time out. Which basically just means that he's in a tank by himself and I scold him whenever I walk past the tank. Now, a lot of you may think that this is too harsh. A lot of you may say "he's just a fish; he's just following his instincts." That's not true! My Chinese Algae Eater, whose name is Joaquin (but I call him Joaquo [pronounce wah-co]), is not really a fish; he's more like...

Four years ago, I acquired a fish tank. A good fish tank is important, as any fish will tell you. That's why this blog's URL is IHaveAFishTank. Fish, I should say guppies because a gold fish is a horse of a different color, are very complex little animals. They require a lot of looking after. For example, every morning you have to look through the glass and tell them very sternly not to eat their young. They do it anyway, but I like to think that they do it less frequently than they otherwise would. It's exhausting. Anyway, because fish are so complicated and require so much attention, I decided to send my fish to summer camp for two months. Well, it's not really summer camp. I had my fish tank at home for the last two years because I couldn't have fish in my college residence. But having my fish at home is no longer an option and I can't have them at my college residence, so they're staying with my dear friend MeganKPJ for two months until I can move them...

So, the other day I heard someone listening to the song 'What Does the Fox Say'. Now, this song annoys me on a number of levels, but the most irritating thing about this song is that they never come to a consensus about what the fox says. I mean, what is the point of a song called 'What Does the Fox Say' if you never actually find out what it says? It's so annoying! So, after some reflection, I decided that it was time to actually find out what the fox says. So I decided to conduct an interview with a local fox and get his thoughts on the issue. This is what he had to say: *** Me: All right, let's get right to the heart of things. What do you think of the song 'What Does the Fox Say'? Mr. Fox: What do I think of it? What do I think of it? I don't know what to think! I mean, they make me sound like a total moron! I'm considering suing for libel. Like, ' ring-ding-ding '? I don't even know what that means! I can't even show ...

I have been the proud owner of a Christmas Cactus for almost a year and a half and let me tell you something, it's very rewarding. As you may or may not know, I have never really had a lot of luck with pets (my hermit crabs once tried to eat each other); although, I haven't completely failed at keeping fish alive. However, I've been very successful at keeping my cactus alive (I call him Cacti). Because, when you forget to water/feed a cactus for a few days, nothing too bad happens. When fish miss a day of feeding, they start to eat their young. The noble cactus, on the other hand, is a dignified creature that does not stoop to cannibalism. Breathing pets, I find, are mostly over rated, but it's not all fun and games owning a Christmas Cactus. It's a lot of hard work. To get it to flower, you have to make sure that it gets a long period of uninterrupted darkness. In winter, that means you have to turn off the lights when it starts to get dark outside. So ba...

So, in the spirit of blogs about aquatic creatures (which seems to be becoming a theme on this blog), I'm going to write about something that's been bothering me for some time: the name Nemo. Ever since Finding Nemo came out, people have been going crazy about the name Nemo. Everyone's like 'oh, Nemo, that's such a cute name. I'm going to name my dog Nemo and my cat Nemo and my car Nemo and....". But what no one seems to realize is that Nemo means 'no one'. That's horrible! Finding Nemo is actually Finding No One ! Like, Nemo already has a bad fin, are you really going to make his life worse by calling him a no one? That's tottally child abuse. Like, his mom and all his brothers and sisters were killed right in front of him, doesn't he have enough emotional scars? Now, I know that they were thinking of Captian Nemo from Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea , but I don't think the people who wrote Finding Ne...

So, as you can probably guess by this blog's URL, I have a fish tank. Fish ownership has taught me a lot of things about aquatic creatures that I wouldn't have known otherwise. For example, did you know that guppies are cannibalistic? I'm assuming it's that kind of thinking that kept them from developing thumbs. Anyway, another thing I've observed is that, towards the end of the day, after it gets dark outside and the lights are turned off; the fish go down to the bottom of the tank and sort of lay on the rocks. It looks like they're sleeping, but I'm not really sure because I'm not really sure if it's possible for fish to sleep. Sure, it's all fine and good if you're a tank fish. In a tank, you can cuddle up next to the statue of Thor (which is currently in my fish tank, don't ask) or you can lay down under the fake plants, but how do fish sleep in the wild? Like, I saw Finding Nemo just like everyone else, so I know that clown fish...

So, I was watching the Animal Planet the other day and there was this show on about squids. On the show, they were talking about how, if you get in the water with squids, they'll surround you and start attacking you and end up eating you. Actually, on the show, they said that a group of squids (they hunt in packs because one squid is just not terrifying enough) can be more dangerous than a shark when it attacks. Let's think about that for a minute. Squids eat people. That is completely ridiculous! The world needs to know that this is going on! Like, you plan for sharks, you plan for lions and tigers and bears; you don't plan for squids. I had no idea that this sort of thing was going on in the world! As you may recall from earlier blog posts, I was kind of concerned about the potential dangers of the octopus, but I'm over that now. I'm much more concerned about squids taking over the world. Like, the problem is, no one is paying attention to the squid. You...

So, a little while ago I heard that the unicorn is the national animal of Scotland. Now, I don't mean to be nitpicky, but doesn't that seem a bit outlandish? I mean, I've been to Scotland and there aren't many herds of wild unicorns running around. Actually, I didn't see a single unicorn! How is that allowed? If there are no unicorns in Scotland, how can it be the national animal? There may have been unicorns at one time, but Voldemort probably ate them all. If there is a unicorn in Scotland, it's probably sitting in a zoo somewhere, wiping it's hooves on the doormat before going into the unicorn enclousure. What kind of life is that for a unicorn? Let the unicorns run free! Now, I understand their dilemma, because if they limited themselves to animals that actually live in Scotland, their national animal would probably end up being a sheep - or a hare. And that would be a problem because hares are terrifying! I don't know if you've ever seen a...

I'm taking a poetry class right now, and today, in class, someone brought in a poem they had written in which a platypus was mentioned. We spoke for a long time about the symbolic nature of the platypus in class and it became clear to me that the platypus was a tragically misunderstood creature. I mean most of the class seemed to be laboring under the delusion that it was some sort of beaver-duck from the black lagoon. Someone even suggested that platypi (contrary to what you may have been told, that IS the plural) were marsupials  as if any platypus could be anything as vulgar as a kangaroo! But I digress, my point is that the platypus is majestic creature which should be treated with the utmost respect. I mean, when was the last time you laid an egg? The platypus is one of the only mammals that could make an omelet out of its own offspring; that is both disturbing and delicious. Plus, like all mammals, the platypus can produce i...

So, yesterday, I was on Facebook and I saw this article that one of my friends posted ( http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2008/03/31_octo.shtml ) about the secret life of the American octopus. Anyway, it was an interesting article, but there was one line that particularly bothered me: "They're obsessively secretive, solitary and pretty spooky," Caldwell said. "If you watch them, they watch you back. It's hard to study them." . That's right, somewhere, some place, an octopus is watching you. Now, I find this idea distressing on many levels. I thought the whole 'you're never more than 10 feet from a spider' thing was bad, but I was wrong, this is much worse (not that spiders aren't bad, because I saw another article about how spiders eat bats, but that is a different blog). I don't trust octopi. When I was about twelve, I saw this special on the animal planet about how, in the future, when humans are extinct, land octopi ...

So, the other day, my mom was telling me about how she saw some pink, octopus Christmas ornaments and she thought it was weird. "Who would want an octopus on their Christmas tree?" she asked me. I thought it was weird to, but mostly because Christmas ornaments in September is a little ridiculous. But actually, who wouldn't want an octopus on their Christmas tree? I think the octopus is an unappreciated animal. They're delicious (and surprisingly chewy), they're symmetrical - unlike those abnormal squids with their freaky cyclopes eyes, and, according to Animal Planet , they will one day rule the world. But seriously, I once saw this special about how after humans are extinct, land octopi will swing through the jungles of Borneo as masters of the earth. I'm just saying, planet of the apes seems a little far fetched - how about planet of the c ephalopods? For example, a few years ago I heard about this octopus named Paul who lived in Germany who could pre...

Picture this: I am in fourth grade and have just captured two salamanders (lets call them Pablo and Paco because I don't remember what their original names were) at the local (man made) lake. I am keeping them in a nice, comfy tank when...gasp! One of my salamanders disappeared. That's right, Paco is MIA. Of course, I sent out search parties right away; I looked under tables, I looked under chairs, but he was no where to be found. The main concern with salamanders, of course, is dehydration, so, I set little bowls of water all around the house. That didn't work becuase my dad stepped in one and made me clean them up. But then, miraciously, Paco returned! I put him back in his tank and he and Pablo lived a very happy life for about three months. Then they died. I think they were trying to hybernate and went too far. I have unfortunate experiences with pets. That's sad because animals seem to like me and usually, I like animals - except for dolphins and whales (I have...

Warning: This post originated from another of my failed English 15 essay ideas. So, it kind of bothers me when people use the words "human" and "person" interchangeably; it's so species-ist!  I mean, sure all humans are people, but not all people are human. Animals are people too. Think about it, a person is any living being that can be rearguard as an individual, with the capacity for intelligence and emotion (and no, I did not get that definition from the dictionary). So, by those standards, animals are people too. Plus, humans are animals so it's already been proven that animals can be people, right? Take apes for example, they're really smart, they use tools and stuff, they live in family groups. Let's be real here, the only difference between humans and gorillas is amount of body hair and the whole talking thing; talking is kind of important, but, I'm pretty sure apes would talk if they had the right vocal cords. I mean, as it is, we a...

So, In the spirit of blogs about food, I thought I would take some time to tell you about my feelings about bacon. Today, at brunch, the dining hall was serving quiche Lorraine. Now, normally I like quiche because it's basically cheese and egg pie, but I don't like quiche Lorraine because quiche Lorraine has bacon in it. Ew. I have a long, convoluted history with bacon, which all started when I was about four years old and I saw the movie Babe . For those of you who have never seen Babe , it is a movie about an Australian pig who wants to be a sheep dog. Innocent and sweet, right? Wrong; Babe's mother was made into bacon. It was the single most upsetting film I have ever seen, well, except for Dumbo - that was disturbing. I tried bacon for the first time a year later when I was on vacation with my family in Canada. I remember it distinctly, we were sitting in a restaurant next to the window, my mom ordered breakfast for me and the waiter brought me a plate of bacon and...

First off, no, I do not hate chickens and I am not afraid of chickens. I just happen to think that chickens are some really strange, unattractive birds, that remind me of dinosaurs. That's probably because the chicken is the closest living relative to the tyrannosaurus Rex, weird huh? I learned that on Nickelodeon. Generally, I like dinosaurs (well, except for the velociraptors in Jurassic Park (those things were freaky), which, oddly enough remind me of chickens - they have the same sort of eyes), but there's something about chickens that really throws me for a loop. Is it the obnoxious crowing at four o'clock in the morning? No. Is it the peaking or the clawed feet? No. I think its the beady, little velociraptor eyes. Behind the gaze of every chicken there is evil cunning. The best sort of chicken is in a sandwich, breaded and slathered in ketchup. Just sayin'.

Okay, before you freak out on me for being insensitive to endangered creatures, let me preface this by saying that I don't hate whales, I'm just uncomfortable with them.The other day, as you know, I started college and my English teacher asked me to introduce myself with an interesting fact. I told the whole class that I was afraid of whales. Embarrassing, yeah, I know. Here's the thing, whales are so freaking big. They need to chug some slim fast or something because clearly krill and plankton are really fatty. Get on a treadmill or do some serious sit ups. I mean, whales are so big that they could swallow you without even noticing. Case and point, look what happened to Jonah (Pinocchio's father got swallowed too, but I feel like he's a bit of a Jonah poser). Or maybe that was just in the Disney version; IDK. The other thing is that killer whales have some aggression issues. And yes, I know that they're not really whales, but they're all mammals so I fe...