Just Sayin'

So, the other night I was playing Cards Against Humanity with a group of my friends and somehow we got on to the topic of drunk Voldemort (it's not as weird as it sounds because a lot of our make-your-own cards have something to do with Voldemort; that's as weird as it sounds). I mean, he is an evil man in evil clothes (extra points if you get the reference), so I think it's resonable to suppose that he's not shy about drinking. I think if you're the most evil wizard in the world, sometimes you're just like, "you know what, I'm Voldemort, I do what I want". So you can bet that Voldemort gets hammered. I did a little investigating and found that this was indeed the case. Fortunately, I'm BFFs with Nagini and Nagini has access to Voldemort's phone. I give you, the best Voldemort drunk texts: Actually, it looks like Voldemort drinks a lot. Apparently he likes tequila, which is weird because I would have pegged him for a margarita guy. ...

I have an addiction. It's not some normal addiction, like alcohol or drugs. It's much more serious. I am addicted...to Justin Timberlake. I am a Justin Timberlake junkie.  That may sound pretty tame to you; maybe you think I just like to listen to his songs some times, maybe you think I just really liked *NSYNC as a kid. That's not it; I am actually obsessed with JT. He just has the hair and the face and the eyes and the voice and the feet and he's such a great dancer and he's so funny and he's so nice and he's such a good golfer and he was in Shrek the Third and I loved that movie  and he sings and he smiles and he says romantic things about his wife and he does things (that are recorded on the Justin Timberlake Does Things tumblr) and I saw him live in concert once and it was magical and ALL THE FEELS. I just love him; he's a perfect human being. So that should maybe give you some idea of how I feel.... I can't help it. Some days, I...

So this has been bugging me for about ten years... One of the great unanswered questions of the Harry Potter series remains unanswered to this day: where does Voldemort live?  I think this is an important detail to be omitted from the books because, if you think about it, it would have been much easier for Harry to kill Voldemort if he knew where he lived. Harry could have snuck up on him in the middle of the night while he was sleeping or something. Whatever, JK Rowling, I don't want to write your plots for you, but that should have been a consideration. Like, we see Voldemort at Malfoy Manor once, and there's that whole scene in the Riddle Mansion, not to mention the rumors that he's living in a forest somewhere, but where does Voldemort actually live ? Like, I don't care if you're the Dark Lord or not, you still need a place to eat your breakfast cereal and bathe and brush your teeth. Just because you're evil, that's no excuse for bad hygiene. I l...

So, I was rewatching the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie the other day and I started to develop a theory. Cedric Diggory dies at the end of the movie in the graveyard, right? Well, what if he wasn't really dead. What if he just became [duh, duh, dun] a vampire. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just discovered the true origin of Edward Cullen. My first clue was that Robert Pattinson played both characters in the film adaptations. You think Robert Pattinson played Edward Cullen because he likes Twilight ? You're dead wrong. Robert Pattinson hates Twilight! The only reason he did Twilight was out of loyalty to Cedric's story line. Granted, it's one of the more bizarre character arcs in the Harry Potter series, but J.K. Rowling is richer than the Queen; she doesn't have to make sense. Here's what happened to Cedric: So, first off, Voldemort kills Cedric. Now, a lot of people think that Voldemort killed Cedric because Voldemort is just evil, but the tr...

So, the other day I was in class zoning out diligently paying attention when I started thinking about the Deathly Hallows symbol. Considering that it only appeared in the last Harry Potter book ( Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ), it's an incredibly popular symbol. For those that don't know, the Deathly Hallows symbol is a mark used in the Harry Potter books to refer to three items: The Elder Wand (the most powerful wand in the world), The Resurrection Stone, and The Invisibility Cloak. Taken together, these three items are supposed to make their possessor the master of death. Not surprisingly, these items are a major force in the books. Voldemort seeks the Elder Wand and even Dumbledore was at one time tempted to become the master of death. The symbol is also used to refer to the Tale of the Three Brothers, the supposed origin story of the Deathly Hallows. I see people walking around all the time with Deathly Hallows shirts and jewelry.  Like, I'm living Person...

What a Beautiful Young Nose So, I have a theory that Voldemort's nose is the most interesting character in the Harry Potter series.  Think about it, it was around in the Chamber or Secrets flashbacks and then, all of the sudden, it was gone! The story of Voldemort's nose leaves so many questions unanswered. Where did it go when it left Voldemort's face? How did Voldemort survive without a nose? How did his nose feel about that? I decided to write a short play to answer those questions. (Also, today is Lord Voldemort's birthday, so happy birthday to the most evil wizard to ever live, I hope you don't get your wish when you blow out your candles). *** Scene 1: Life of a Nose Enter a Nose, it is a pale nose, very pointy and sad. Nose: To sneeze or not to sneeze, that is the question. [Dramatic pause] I had a face once - a great and terrible face. The face of Voldemort. He was so evil; I was proud to be a part of that face. When I was on that face, I was...

So, I have this theory that literary villains always have the best hair. It seems to me that evil emits this low grade, humidity sapping energy that keeps hair from frizzing. A I think the Harry Potter films prove this. It's like, frizz is to conscientious to go running around with people like Voldemort. Actually, hair as a species is too conscientious to go running around with Voldemort which is why he doesn't have any. Think about it, in the books Harry is introduced as having hair that never lies flat. You see, Harry's hair is standing up straight with righteousness . (In the movies it's a different story because, while his hair looks like that for like the first 4-ish movies, after that, it gets weird and flat and it sort of looks like he has a bowl cut. Which, is bad hair in it's own, special way). Hermione is the same way. I mean, her hair is so frizzy that I think it's combined width is thicker than her waist. Her hair was so puffy because it was f...

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before but, if I have, I'm going to blog about it again because it annoys me. Why is there so much prejudice against Slytherins? Like, I get that a lot of them went Death Eater and started chilling with Voldemort, but not all of them. Like Professor Slughorn, he's a Slytherin, but when we first meet him, he's disguised as an arm chair. How can you hate an arm chair? There's nothing threatening about that. Don't be a Death Eater Besides, all of that Voldemort stuff was over in the 90s. A lot of weird stuff happened in the 90s - overalls, neon, spandex, boy bands - I think it's time we moved past it. Let me just do a quick review for those of you who aren't up on your world events from the past twenty years. Voldemort was defeated for the first time on Halloween, 1981 (Muggle years). Let's call this the Interim Period (IP). In 1995, or 15 IP, let's call this the beginning of the Second Voldemortia...

Before you say anything, I know I blog about Harry Potter a lot, you're all just going to have to get over it. So, as I do with a lot of things, I came a little late to the Harry Potter fandom. I'm not saying I just started reading the book yesterday or anything (actually, I've been reading them since I was like five) but, because I was quite young when all the books were coming out and the fandom was really taking shape, I'm really only truly experiencing it now. I mean, it's not like I didn't play potions as a kid or have the fake HP glasses or the Harry Potter Levitating Challenge game ('Focus' 'Keep Steady!' 'Concentrate!!!!!', but seriously, that was a tough game). Anyway, the sort of things I'm thinking about now are like fan art, Wizard rock, and fan fiction. Anyway, what brought this blog on was that I read this article ( http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/were-not-a-lost-generation-just-an-exposed-one/ ) and started to ...

Murderers! So, this is the sort of question that keeps me up at night. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the logistics of the Harry Potter books (probably because I have math and my mind, you know, tends to not like to think about math and stuff) and I've come up with quite the karfuffle. Where do wizards get their food? Now, this is only one of the many alarming, wizard social trends that I discussed in my earlier blog about the Hogwarts style of education, but still, I think we should take a moment to think about this. Are there wizard farmers? Are their wizard super markets in Diagon Alley with flying vegetables and talking eggs and cheese that smiles at you? Because, if so, it is never mentioned in any of the books! Which is disheartening, because I would like my cheese to smile at me. Since the wizarding world seems to have nearly full employment (props to them on their economic planning), I guess there is enough labor to support this sort of system and, any...