What is a Panda Ruckus?
Clearly, someone important took note of a blog about Panda Greed that I wrote a few months ago because, a few days ago, my friend Megan made me this 'Panda Patent,' giving me control over all the pandas in the world -- just a normal Sunday, right? Because Megan obviously has ALL control over pandas. At first, I was excited about owning all the pandas -- then I read the fine print.
As you can see, as the new Panda Empress, I am responsible for all panda ruckus. Now, I didn't know what panda ruckus was, so I decided to look into it. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RUCKUS PANDAS CAUSE? You may think that pandas are rather tame animals, doing innocent things like smoking cigars, throwing parties, drinking vodka, and stealing cars.
Instead, it turns out that pandas are always doing crazy stuff like eating bamboo, climbing trees, and sleeping. And I thought pandas were so innocent! Just watch the National Zoo Panda Cam some time, it's shocking! The other day, I saw pandas walking around and smelling things. Once, I saw a panda drinking water. Every now and then, the National Zoo will even release scandalous photos of pandas doing scandalous things, like going out side in the snow and sitting in trees. I've been told that sometimes baby pandas even climb trees and then don't want to come down. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? What can I do with a baby panda in a tree? That's a clear example of a ruckus. What shenanigans will they think up next? Napping? Clearly, I CANNOT be responsible for napping pandas. What am I supposed to do? Wake them up?
So clearly, I had no idea what I was getting into when I accepted the Panda Patent (which is now hanging on my door -- just in case a passerby doesn't know that I own all the pandas) and became the Panda Empress (I didn't even get a panda crown -- what's that about?). Responsibility weighs heavily on me.
Of course, the worst part is that there are no take-backsies.
Just sayin'
As you can see, as the new Panda Empress, I am responsible for all panda ruckus. Now, I didn't know what panda ruckus was, so I decided to look into it. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RUCKUS PANDAS CAUSE? You may think that pandas are rather tame animals, doing innocent things like smoking cigars, throwing parties, drinking vodka, and stealing cars.
Instead, it turns out that pandas are always doing crazy stuff like eating bamboo, climbing trees, and sleeping. And I thought pandas were so innocent! Just watch the National Zoo Panda Cam some time, it's shocking! The other day, I saw pandas walking around and smelling things. Once, I saw a panda drinking water. Every now and then, the National Zoo will even release scandalous photos of pandas doing scandalous things, like going out side in the snow and sitting in trees. I've been told that sometimes baby pandas even climb trees and then don't want to come down. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? What can I do with a baby panda in a tree? That's a clear example of a ruckus. What shenanigans will they think up next? Napping? Clearly, I CANNOT be responsible for napping pandas. What am I supposed to do? Wake them up?
So clearly, I had no idea what I was getting into when I accepted the Panda Patent (which is now hanging on my door -- just in case a passerby doesn't know that I own all the pandas) and became the Panda Empress (I didn't even get a panda crown -- what's that about?). Responsibility weighs heavily on me.
Of course, the worst part is that there are no take-backsies.
Just sayin'
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