I Am Morally Opposed to Forks

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Today, as I was eating easy mac in my dorm, I mentioned to my friend Keri that I should really buy some plastic spoons to have on hand in my room. 'Spoons?' she said, 'what about forks?' 'No' I said, 'I am morally opposed to forks.'

It's not that I don't see that forks are useful or convenient, its just that the fork is such a needlessly aggressive utensil. I mean, think about it, a fork is like a stick with four mini daggers extending from it. Properly yielded, a fork is quite the weapon; you could put someone's eye out. Especially violent are the three pronged forks. To quote Sheldon Cooper, the three pronged fork is not a fork, its a trident. And, if you've read the Hunger Games series you know that you should fear the trident.

These are not things I want to think about when I'm eating my pie. I only use forks when they are completely neccessary, like, if I was eating pizza or a doughnut or a candy bar or something. Those are fork and knife situations and, even then, I perfer sporks.

The spork is the pacifist's fork. Just sayin'.

Comments

  1. Organized ChaosJuly 5, 2012 at 11:33 PM

    I am morally opposed to sporks. They are a failure as both a spoon and a fork. How useless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Maddison JaneJuly 5, 2012 at 11:35 PM

    Call me crazy, but I love forks. I find them to be quite useful utensils that allow me to consult my anger in a more subdued manner. I'm such a rebel, right? :P

    ReplyDelete

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