I Am Morally Opposed to Forks

-
Today, as I was eating easy mac in my dorm, I mentioned to my friend Keri that I should really buy some plastic spoons to have on hand in my room. 'Spoons?' she said, 'what about forks?' 'No' I said, 'I am morally opposed to forks.'

It's not that I don't see that forks are useful or convenient, its just that the fork is such a needlessly aggressive utensil. I mean, think about it, a fork is like a stick with four mini daggers extending from it. Properly yielded, a fork is quite the weapon; you could put someone's eye out. Especially violent are the three pronged forks. To quote Sheldon Cooper, the three pronged fork is not a fork, its a trident. And, if you've read the Hunger Games series you know that you should fear the trident.

These are not things I want to think about when I'm eating my pie. I only use forks when they are completely neccessary, like, if I was eating pizza or a doughnut or a candy bar or something. Those are fork and knife situations and, even then, I perfer sporks.

The spork is the pacifist's fork. Just sayin'.

Comments

  1. Organized ChaosJuly 5, 2012 at 11:33 PM

    I am morally opposed to sporks. They are a failure as both a spoon and a fork. How useless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Maddison JaneJuly 5, 2012 at 11:35 PM

    Call me crazy, but I love forks. I find them to be quite useful utensils that allow me to consult my anger in a more subdued manner. I'm such a rebel, right? :P

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Trouble with Targaryen Eyebrows

-
Image
Those Eyebrows Though As you know, I have strong opinions about eyebrows . I also have strong opinons about Game of Thrones. Usually, those two things do not intersect, but today they do. Let's not dance around the issue here: Daenerys Targaryen has weird eyebrows. (If you don't watch Game of Thrones , this probably is total nonsense to you. In case you're interested, Daenerys Targaryen is one of the show's main characters. She is descended from a royal line that originated in Valyria. In the A Song of Ice and Fire books , Valyrians have very distinctive physical features: white hair and purple eyes. In the show, Daenerys (aka Dany) has white hair (a wig) but her eyebrows are dark brown -- mostly because the actress' natural hair is dark brown.) Anyway, if you watch Game of Thrones at all you know that Dany looks great in almost every episode and she's completely gorgeous and beautiful. However, the weirdness of her eyebrows is unavoidable. I know it,
Read more

Disney Outfits from Best to Worst

-
Image
A few months ago, I wrote a blog ranking Disney princesses best to worst (actually worst to best, but who pays attention to details like that), so, in the grand tradition of criticizing/ranking/generalized Disney love, I've decided to embark on a road where few dare to tread: ranking Disney princess outfits, and yes, that means ball gowns . Lots and lots of ball gowns. So here we go, Disney outfits from best to worst (actually, it's going to be worst to best, but we already talked about that). Ariel's Seashell Bikini Let's be clear here, Ariel doesn't actually wear clothes. She wears a sea shell bikini. Last time I checked, sea shells were not a valid form of clothing, they're organic calcium by products produced by snails and oysters that need tiny little houses. That's not clothes; we're not in a Lady Gaga music video here. Ariel does redeem herself later in the movie, but we'll get to that later. Ariel's Canvas Toga This is no
Read more

I Have Questions for Beowulf

-
Image
So, this past weekend I read the Old-English poem Beowulf for one of my English classes. In case you don't know, Beowulf is an Old-English, epic poem about the hero/warrior Beowulf who kills the monster Grendel (and his mother) and slays a dragon. I had read parts of the poem before in other classes, but I sort of skipped over a lot of the supernatural details in the poem. Like, for example, when Beowulf kills Grendel's mother, he battles her underwater and he spends like an entire day at the bottom of a lake, and no one thinks its weird. And, I guess because no one in the poem thought it was weird, I just sort of ignored it. Like, Beowulf is constantly doing things that are physically impossible. On premise, I don't really have a problem with this because I understand that it's a legend, and things are 'legendary' for a reason. Also, as an English major, I am constantly reading books in which people are doing impossible things, so, at some point, you k
Read more

What Really Happened to Cedric Digory (The True Origin of the Twilight Series)

-
Image
So, I was rewatching the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie the other day and I started to develop a theory. Cedric Diggory dies at the end of the movie in the graveyard, right? Well, what if he wasn't really dead. What if he just became [duh, duh, dun] a vampire. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just discovered the true origin of Edward Cullen. My first clue was that Robert Pattinson played both characters in the film adaptations. You think Robert Pattinson played Edward Cullen because he likes Twilight ? You're dead wrong. Robert Pattinson hates Twilight! The only reason he did Twilight was out of loyalty to Cedric's story line. Granted, it's one of the more bizarre character arcs in the Harry Potter series, but J.K. Rowling is richer than the Queen; she doesn't have to make sense. Here's what happened to Cedric: So, first off, Voldemort kills Cedric. Now, a lot of people think that Voldemort killed Cedric because Voldemort is just evil, but the tr
Read more

Bizarro World: Modern Day Game of Thrones

-
Image
So, the other day I was on Facebook and I saw this article from Entertainment Weekly, in which an artist did drawings of the cast of Game of Thrones in 80s and 90s clothes. Needless to say, I was quite entertained. Anyway, it got me thinking, what sort of lives would the Game of Thrones characters live if they existed in the real, modern world? I think it would be something like Superman's bizarro world. Everything would be the same except their would be Starks and Targaryens walking around and Voldemort would have a nose.   That is the parallel universe I want to live in. I mean, can you imagine a world where Tyrion Lannister was an actual person ? I think he would be either the Secretary of State or the benevolent dictator of a small country. Modern Day Tyrion The rest of the Lannister's though...I don't think they would be so successful . Like, being all murderous and bloodthirsty is okay when you live in a medieval world where you're running the show, but
Read more